If Philosophers Occupied Wall Street
Boss Bitch.
(via philphys)
A Non-Exhaustive List of Times You Should Definitely Use the Socratic Method
When you think you are pregnant. When you have a pregnancy scare you should definitely use the Socratic method. The more questions, the better. Like, am I being ridiculous? Is it late enough to just take a test? Was I even, like, ‘fertile’ then? (sub-question, why is ‘fertile’ such a disgusting word?). Being pregnant is an irrational fear. Basically anytime a 20something girl’s body does anything weird she’s googling ‘am I pregnant?’ The proliferation of urban myths and I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant don’t help either. But this isn’t reality. Science is involved somehow. You had to have sex, your birth control had to fail, you had to be fertile, etc. Ask and answer these questions before you freak out for no reason.
When you are trying to get over your ex. There’s probably no better use for the Socratic method than getting over someone. You can’t get over them because you earnestly believe they are great, and you earnestly believe you have a chance of getting back together. Socrates can break both of these beliefs if you are willing to let him. He will break down whatever lies you’ve told yourself to believe this person is ‘good’ or ‘attractive’ and show you that you’re much better off without him.
When you have anxiety. Anxiety is excessive worry about something. Socrates doesn’t really understand this because you just think through it and then stop. Like, you could have anxiety about not getting enough sleep for work which prevents you from falling asleep. Using the Socratic method you can ask yourself questions about the questions you’ve already asked yourself which occupies your mind and you’ll fall asleep. Problem solved.
When you’re in trouble with an authority figure. When you deal with an authority figure sometimes its best to use the Socratic method. Authority figures are generally older and from a different generation when you didn’t question everything. Let’s say you get in trouble for being late everyday. Ask your boss why 8-4 is a better time to get work done than 8:30-4:30 when you might function at a higher level with the extra half hour of sleep. Keep answering a question with a question, but be nice about it. You’ll get somewhere.
A Non-Exhaustive List of Times You Should Definitely Not Use the Socratic Method
The Socratic method is really fucking chill. You can sound so smart and all you have to do is ask a new question every time someone gives you an answer. Additionally, you are helping your conversation partner more accurately describe what they are trying to say, or critique their opinion as they express it. Seems like a win-win situation to me.
But really, there are some times that the Socratic method is absolutely, definitely not helpful. See below.
When you are trying to get someone to date you. The Socratic method will not convince someone they want to date you. If someone doesn’t want to date you, they don’t want to date you and this is based on the messy, ethereal existence or non-existence of attraction that has almost no basis in logic or reality. Arguments have no sway and you’ll look pathetic. It’s like when someone looks at one of those pictures that could either be a rabbit or a duck and they see a rabbit and you see a duck. You can convince them there’s a duck there, they can even see your perspective after awhile, but to them the picture will always first and foremost be a rabbit. You’ve got no chance dude.
When you are talking to an authority figure with an inferiority complex. People in positions of authority over you are supposed to be more intelligent or reasoned or experienced in some way. Sometimes they aren’t. Sometimes they are painfully aware that they aren’t. These kind of people don’t like to be reminded that you are smarter than them and one way to do this is to point out the holes in their logic. Revealing your superior critical thinking skills is going to put the authority figure on the defensive, and they probably won’t like you and since it is probably in your best interest for authority figures to like you, you definitely shouldn’t use the Socratic method on them.
When you screw over a friend. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone does something shitty to a friend every once in awhile. It’s okay. Relax. Apologize. However, do not use the Socratic method to justify your behavior. Here’s a situation where logic is trumped. If you hurt your friend’s feelings, it doesn’t matter if you can out-argue them. Something’s amiss that needs to be addressed and rhetoric can’t solve problems of the heart.
When you have low self-esteem. The Socratic method can ruin you if you have low self-esteem. Why? Consider applying it to every compliment you receive. “Hey you look really cute today.” “Oh really? I wonder if I happen to fit into this category of cute accidently (no) or I’ve been aiming all my personal branding decisions to align as closely with cultural definitions of ‘cute’ as possible, and if so then like, ‘yay’ I’m good at spending a lot of energy copying some people.” You can do this especially well if you’re a feminist. Every compliment received can be weighed against whether you are only receiving it because of the complimenter’s association with how well you fit into your gender role. Like, anytime a guy likes you he probably wouldn’t if you were more loud/abrasive/whatever and you probably aren’t because you’re too weak to do what you ‘naturally’ want to do vs. what is easy via cultural expectations. Exhausting, right?
When someone dies. When someone dies you shouldn’t use the Socratic method. I mean, its kind of inevitable that you do and it will be frustrating and pointless but I think it’s one of the stages of grieving. At least realize that every asks the same questions and at some point the weight of how unanswerable they are will fade a little.
When someone is considerably less intelligent than you and you want to make them look stupid. This makes you an asshole.
The School of Athens: Where Are they now?
Socrates: Initially a bro’s bro Socrates wised up to the monetary value of out-questioning anyone. After scoring a perfect 180 on the LSAT he graduated at the top of his class in law school and now runs a very lucrative legal consulting firm in DC. He was last seen discussing strategy with Casey Anthony’s defense team.
Plato: We all remember Plato as this chill dude who was so hopeful you felt sorry for him a little bit. Everything was perfect, at least aimed at perfection, we just couldn’t see it. Unfortunately, this eternal letdown proved too much for Plato and after a few thousand years experimenting with weed and prescription pain pills, he OD’ed on Grace Cathedral hill in San Francisco, still holding a copy of Deepak Chopra’s The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success.
Aristotle: Tired of living in the shadow of more famous and learned philosophers Aristotle left the academy planning to rebel. He claimed to be religious for awhile, assuming that would most irritate his teachers. Failing to adequately nest under their skin he began demeaning their profession entirely. To date, Aristotle has published 28 volumes in the Blackwell Philosophy and Pop Culture series, his favorite being, of course, Philosophy of Twilight.
Pythagorus: Pythagorus struck it big with his hit eponymous theorem, the Pythagorean Theorem but like many child stars his latter years were marred by tragedy. None of his work ever measured up to his initial success and Pythagorus turned to uppers to help him stay up late at night, playing with tan grams and doing whippits. He filed Chapter 7 bankruptcy, released a sex tape with Anaximander, and eventually developed a line of learning toys for toddlers he now sells in the 1-3am slot on QVC.
Heraclitus: Famous for saying you can never step in the same river twice, Heraclitus got a bad rap as a naysayer. Discouraged by this, he became a motivational speaker and toured the country delivering a poorly received but brazenly entitled lecture series: “You Can Step In Any River You Fucking Want!” After a string of unsuccessful reality makeover shows in which most of the contestants withdrew themselves from competing before any footage aired Heraclitus now runs his self-financed shows on community television.
