phiLOLZophy

Pros and Cons of Getting Ready in a Group

Pros:

• Don’t feel as guilty beginning the shot-taking at 8 p.m.
• Can loudly bitch about crazy ex rather than secretly text him back.
• Feel less guilty about blasting Britney Spears club remixes.
• Abundance of compliments even if you look terrible.
• SHOTS, did I already say that?
• You get to feel like you’re college again. 
• Forced to get on your two feet rather than masturbating and watching reruns of the Real Housewives for four hours.
• If you’re the host, no excuse but to clean your apartment and hide your embarrassing single stuff (dirty wine glasses, empty Ambien RX container on your nightstand, various anti-acne products strewn across your dresser, etc.)

Cons:

• You can’t stare at yourself in the mirror as long as you usually would.
• It’s harder to sneak away to take a shit.
• Can’t take the usual 20 - 60 front-facing iPhone camera pics of yourself as usual.
• Can’t speakerphone your mom about an update regarding your aunt’s cancer situation while doing your hair.
• Feel more embarrassed than usual when your neighbors pound on your ceiling re: Britney Spears volume.
• You go out looking like shit because your friends weren’t actually going to tell you that you look like an old whore, were they?
• Even if they did, no outfit change because you brought your whole life in a bag. If you forgot underwear or hairspray you’re pretty much screwed.
• All your friend has is UV Cake vodka and you puked that last weekend.
• You get to feel like you’re college again. Except this time you’ve resolved yourself to giving up anal sex, you had to tuck in your extra ten pounds, and you make up for your brand new wrinkles by putting on more eye makeup (see: old whore).

(Special help from @olsbenr and @DJGela, pictured.)

Pros and Cons of Sunday

Pros:

• Don’t have to work
• Could conceivably lay in bed all day
• Brunch
• Football
• Can see your friends
• Might wake up in bed with a hottie

Cons:

• Feel vaguely suicidal re: come down from alcohol (dopamine), drugs, boy attention, etc
• Feel guilty for not going to church
• Realize you wasted your weekend being drunk/dumb/stupid
• Have to work tomorrow so feel an awful sense of foreboding for hours on end
• Got too drunk last night/at brunch today to accomplish all the productive things you were hoping for
• Gotta go to sleep early
• In most shitty ass states you can’t buy booze (what in the fuck ferreal guvment)
• Hottie might want a ride someplace and/or for you to buy him coffee/breakfast/etc

The Pros and Cons of Friday

Pro: 

• Tonight you get to have so much fun you almost kill yourself with alcohol!
• You might get to meet a cute new crush!
• Three days of freedom!
• You get to dress casually!
• It’s your last day of work for the week!
• Maybe you get paid!
• Leave work early because it’s Friday!
• Your love interest who works 9 to 5 is finally free for a few days!
• Get to sleep in tomorrow!
• Time to relax!

Cons:

• You almost accidentally kill yourself with alcohol ;(
• Your new crush might let you buy them drinks all night and then not even give you their phone number ;(
• Three days of spending money you don’t have on crap like brunch, cabs, cigarettes, the morning after pill, etc. ;(
• You forgot to apply deodorant and you’re wearing an oversized men’s tshirt you’ve been rocking since Tuesday ;(
• Experience building anxiety that peaks on Sunday night regarding all the work you have to do next week ;(
• Maybe you don’t get paid for another week and you’re already out of money ;(
• Time to go to your ‘second job’ ;(
• Your love interest is now free to spend time with his friends or take new girls on dates ;(
• Get to wake up at six a.m. unable to sleep because you are hungover/anxious ;(
• Get to casually hang out in your apartment that smells like a combination of expired Indian food and kitty litter ;(

Pros and Cons of Being Single

Pros:

• Go out on weekends and not have to constantly check your phone to confirm that you’re still being ignored
• Magically find yourself to be in possession of this mysterious object called “self-esteem”
• Suddenly find hours in your day that aren’t pissed away being angry or frustrated
• Can wear your old gross underwear again
• A sound night of sleep, remember that?
• No longer have to use embarrassing phrases like “the person I am kind of talking to”
• No longer have to pretend you like their friends, dog, facial hair, recent weight gain, etc.
• Don’t have to assume the cost and humiliation of seven a.m. cabs in last night’s dress
• Get to talk to your mom about things other than lies about “how well it’s going”

Cons:

• Feel kind of slutty when you make out with four different people in the same week
• Feel kind of cynical when you don’t actually feel bad or slutty
• Productivity damaged by watching hours of whatever the hell you want to thankyouverymuch on TV
• Condoms cost a lot of money, ugh
• Being compelled to suffer through free dinners with boring people when your friends set you up
• No longer abreast of news re: the new “totally wicked T00L album”
• Feel existentially bored when you have all kinds of time on your hands because you don’t have someone to clean up for every day
• Get dumped on Facebook by his awful and irritating family members 

The Pros and Cons of Monday

Pros:

• Congratulations, you lived through the weekend.

Cons:

• It’s not the weekend any more.
• Your apartment probably looks like a crime scene.
• It’s definitely time to shower.
• Don’t have an excuse to day drink any more.
• You spent all your money.
• Other depressing cliches about Monday morning.

Happy Monday, y’all!

Pros and Cons of Occupy Wall Street

Pros:

• Feel like if it works I might get some money
• Get to figure out which celebs have ‘street cred’
• Get to laugh at people who are like “Kanye is a symbol of American materialism what a hypocrite”
• When people are like [“sincere thought re: Occupy Wall Street”] I can say [“blow off joke re: corporate greed”]
• Can bond with my conservative parents by pretending I don’t like it even though that’s just a cover for the fact that I don’t really get it
• Makes me feel like maybe ‘things’ are going to ‘get better’

Cons:

• What is it even
• Makes me feel lazy when I drive past protests
• Makes me feel bad about myself when I drive past protests in my friend’s Audi
• Makes me feel worried about the economy
• Makes me feel dumb that I do not remotely understand the economy
• What if there is some kind of riot that gets out of control and the police shut down the highways and I can’t get to work
• What am I talking about that sounds awesome
• Another thing to be anxious about
• Until about five minutes ago I thought “Wall Street” was all one word and I didn’t know it actually referred to a real street ;(

The Pros and Cons of Being 26 and Not Having Anything ‘Figured Out’

Pro:

-Life is still fun/exciting
-Always have entertaining stories to tell people, make married/boring friends jealous
-Don’t feel trapped by kids/loveless marriage
-Could move to Europe or California if you wanted
-Constantly meet new people, get to go on dates and flirt with a lot of different potential futures.
-Paying for bar tabs and cabs instead of diapers and mortgages
-Your conversations are at all times at least 100% more interesting than your married counterparts because they aren’t about home repair, interest rates, etc.
-Don’t have to worry that you settled. 

Cons:

-The stress instability of life constantly being fun/exciting is kind of grueling
-Don’t have a husband who is forced to deal with your broken car, pick you up places, and rub your back when you have a bad day.
-No house to fill with dogs.
-You are probably a disappointment to your parents, who want you to settle down and stop being such a mess already.
-Have to worry that you’ll never change.