Vanity is Real Though

I’ve been talking to this guy lately who is a big fan of Aleister Crowley. He is this occult guy who says you should do whatever the hell you want to. Do what thou whilst is his bag. 

So I was texting him last night when I was with a bunch of my girlfriends. I was in heaven—bunch of fun girls drinking crazy cocktails in a room with Kanye blasting and a million candles lit, house has designer clothes on racks everywhere, books, overflowing amounts of NARS makeup, just basically what my house would look like if I wasn’t a minimalist. I love all that shit. 

Plus, I just think it is the most relaxing thing in the world to be in a group of my peers and acknowledge that in reality our biggest problems are the lack of a cool hip hop station in the twin cities and the fact that our sunday date to an all you can eat crab bake has the potential to be super dark. 

And this guy is on his high horse about how shallow we sound. Check yourself. Weren’t YOU saying do what thou whilst? I don’t even like that Crowley shit. I don’t know enough about it to really say I’m not into it but I think being a nice person is important, which he doesn’t. My friends are very nice to people. They are doing things that interest them, even if its collecting vintage Chanel and having $60 candles lining their bathtub. 

People hate on vanity, but I think it is an interest just like any other. You can throw 8 hours a week away watching football? Cool I can do that reading beauty blogs. Call me when you’re not a fucking hypocrite. 

message from a guy on an online dating site presented without comment because i can’t actually
The truth usually gets the negative reaction from those women guilty of the truth.
Most females found online just aren’t worth it, and we men just don’t need you as much as you think we do. We want real bonified,  seldom seen ladies. the sorts who wear a dress and have no tattoos. It is only the male dog’s who constantly like to chase and conquer for without your constant want ads online they have nothing at all to chase after.  The real men in society do not foolish chase after females who now act and behave as a tramp somewhere in a bar.
We look online occasionally and constantly get disappointed at the new accepted behaviors of what should be ladies, only to see mostly tramps. Mean ones. Nasty foul mouthed ones. Not lady like at all. Dirty and plastic. I think of these sorts if women as men with two breasts.
In person these behaviors online would get a female kicked out of whatever place she might be in…..with the exception being I suppose, the bar atmosphere where it seems permissible to behave un-lady  like. I sure am glad I don’t choose to drink or go to bars. I am sure I am not missing  much.
Thank your unladylike peers for now turning most of us good men off. The odds defiantly are not  in favor if finding online a real lady.
When you start acting like real ladies should act,  and behave as lady should behave, then you might get approached in person and no longer need your want ad’s online.
Signed, A Man.
"Hi, Pay For My Life Please." A Reimagining of Dating Ads

I operate under the assumption that men get more out of relationships than women do.

There are probably three things you get out of interactions with others that you need in order to be happy: someone to do dumb shit like go to a movie with (i.e., a warm body), someone who will listen to you complain about your life and sex.

For women, their friends provide them with both of the first two things and sex is readily available whenever they want it. For most men, their relationships with other men give them a lot of fun times, but not necessarily an emotional connection. This is seen as something that’s not that important to men, sure, but it doesn’t mean they will be happy if it’s completely non-existent. Also, they have a harder time finding sex whenever they want it.

So, contrary to this is the fact that women generally want to be in relationships more than men, which is a red herring drawing attention away from the reality above. Perhaps there a fourth bullet to the list above that is “people in your life know you are in a relationship/are not a life failure.” That would even the score, but it wouldn’t be the off shot in women’s favor that men seem to currently think it is.

A rule I’ve developed in dating is that I have to always be answering the question “what’s in it for me?” Guys are taught to answer this question with every breath they take, they don’t have to have a conscious reminder like I do. I’ve met too many guys with really shitty dating attitudes about how girls want SO much from them. They want to tie them down and trick them into getting in a relationship and take all their money.

Is that really the worst thing in the world? That a woman asserts herself and doesn’t put herself in a situation where she is having sex with you and getting emotionally attached while you’re only mildly invested? The money thing is also fucked because if you want someone with all the womanly qualities that make her different from your drinking buddies, she probably doesn’t also have the alpha male qualities that make you successful in business. Patriarchy sucks for everyone, right?

You’re a man, society told you you have to provide for your family since you were like, born. I’m a woman and my mom tried really hard to get me to be a youth pastor where you make like 20k a year. Please do not pretend that we have equal footing in this game and that it’s a huge character flaw for this to be one of many things I like about you.

Can you please also know how to do stuff. Truth Time: I don’t know how to do anything. The only time my dad ever made me mow the lawn I cried because I couldn’t figure it out. By now I can only assume your falling out of your chair to ask me on a date, right? My point is that there are things in life I am terrible at: figuring out mechanical things, negotiating with my cable company, driving. But, I have a whole other skill set that you probably lack: using a coaster, cooking meals without using a microwave, being nice to people, making babies. You got boy skills? I got some girl game. Let’s do this.

Those are the things I feel stupid about asking for. These are the things I feel stupid about bragging about:

Every married guy I know has like, zero sex. Some of them cheat. It’s so disgusting. Why didn’t you marry someone you can have a conversation about sex with if you’re unhappy with your sex life? Look at your choices. Anyways, I am someone you can have a conversation about sex with. I might even do you on the reg.

I’ll probably care about you more. It’s society’s fault but pointing the finger isn’t going to make it less true. I’m going to go ahead and say the general effort level of our relationship is going to be something like 65/35 with me in the lead. Enjoy chillin on that throne babe. You can thank commercials and Nicholas Sparks novels for that one.

There’s the David Copperfield shit too, but you’re already allowed to talk about that whenever you want. I like guys with brown eyes. Wow, cool, interesting. 

I wish I didn’t feel like I was setting feminism back 30 years by talking about this stuff. I don’t think all men are one way or all women are another way. I know the way I am and I wish that it had as much currency as the things I’m looking for, but because the things I’m looking for are “masculine” and the things I have to offer are “feminine” it seems like the scales are off. 

When Someone Tells You They Aren’t Attracted To You

I had a crappy first date once. It wasn’t even the crappiest of first dates. It was annoying and short. The guy seemed weird from the get go and was weirdly picking my brain about whether he should go meet up with his friends for the rest of the night. I told him he should and he responded by telling me he couldn’t because he didn’t understand how taxis work, or something. It doesn’t matter. We mutually just were not very interested.

However, being young and immature it wasn’t good enough for me to have a mutually not very fun experience. I texted him after the date and asked what had happened, since he’d been pretty aggressive prior to that. He responded that, on second thought, he didn’t find me that attractive.

Is that a jerk thing to say? I feel like yes, but I also appreciate that it’s difficult to be honest, so I appreciate it on some level.

It’s been a few years, but I still think about this date sometimes. I remember right after this happened everytime something was off with a new guy, I’d wonder it he also was not attracted to me. How could someone be attracted to you and then lose it so suddenly? Did my hair go flat?

How do you recover from such a devastating ego blow?

He could have told me I seem fake or that I seem robotic and it wouldn’t have bothered me one iota. I have a lot of confidence in those areas and I would know his claims aren’t true and he must be reaching or covering something else up. But when it’s an insecurity you genuinely wonder about… it’s hard to pick yourself back up.

Do you ever really get over it? Or does it just lie in wait for your mind to have a quiet moment that it can creep into and ruin?

I guess the bigger question is, what do you do when you have an insecurity. Another insecurity I have is that I don’t have a lot of common sense. This insecurity is going away because as I get older, I am learning more things and this comes up less frequently. But, how would you actually go about getting more common sense? Or, becoming more attractive? I was on a date, I was obviously doing the best that I could.

I think the only thing you can do about insecurity is to make yourself happy, which is hard to do with something like attraction. But if you are happy with the way you look, someone else’s criticism isn’t going to phase you. For instance, sometimes men tell me they wish I wouldn’t wear so much makeup. That doesn’t make me insecure, I understand I wear a lot of makeup. I like it and it’s my choice. It should also be my choice how I feel about all the other aspects of myself as well.

Ready For Love vs. The Bachelor

Ready for Love:

Confusing format
No Chris Harrison (which is a huge bonus)
The women are more articulate
The guys seem like better catches 
Less Helicopters
This show doesn’t cause you to suspend your belief in reality that the final couple is really going to get married and live happily ever after. It basically says love is cool and we all hope it works out…..
The matchmakers make a lot of the bachelor’s decisions, so you get a lot more insight into the decisions that are made
More diversity 

The Bachelor:

You barely have to pay attention to each episode at all because they play 20 minutes of catch up at the beginning. And again after each commercial break.
The women are crazier and therefore more entertaining
More hot tub scenes 

On the Impossibility and the Necessity of Playing it Cool

I have a crush on someone.

All I want to do all day long is refresh my phone to see if they have messaged me.

And like, stare at cute pictures of him.

You’d think I’d like to actually hang out with him, right? But no, that’s too much work. I would have to be sick and nervous the whole time. The best thing about having a crush is just smiling at your phone all day, not actually hanging out with them. 

It’s rare in life to have such jubilation radiating out of your body and mind from within. Since it’s rare, it seems smart to gather your rosebuds while you can. I feel like I just wanna embrace it, sink down into myself and feel as much of it as possible. This is the impossibility of playing it cool, how can you deny such free, innocent happiness to yourself?

However.

It’s really important to not let anyone else know how happy someone you barely know makes you. Telling a relative stranger they are causing you to sleep with your hand curled around your phone makes you seem crazy. When you have a crush on someone you have to play it cool and make it seem like you are casually interested in them, not evaluating each thing they say and placing it into the happily-ever-after-montage that’s playing in your mind. This is the necessity of playing it cool.

How do we reconcile the two?

11 Things You Only Get to Experience When You Are Single

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1. Butterflies.

2. Jumping on your living room couch after getting *that* text.

3. Automatically having the most exciting stories/life of most of your friends.

4. Spending two hours primping before a date (what I consider to be one of the greatest activities of life).

5. Imaging the future as something new you’ve never thought about before, before you get to know all the annoying faults and character flaws of the person you’re dating.

6. Getting to experience all 32 flavors of men. It’s probably awesome to settle down forever with someone, but hopefully you get to indulge your Hot Dad or Guy From Europe fantasy first.

7. Fast-track self discovery. Nothing helps you learn about yourself more than conflict and difficult experiences. Break ups, make ups, having to figure out life all on your own- these are all more conflict + self-discovery producing than being able to sink into your relationship when life gets tough.

8. The satisfaction, when you finally settle down, that you are doing it because you took your time and met the right person.

9. Knowing that your whole life could be dramatically different a month from now.

10. Learning things you’d probably never learn if you had someone around that would just do it for you. Ex: I know how to use a drill and fix a small amount of things on my car.

11. Doing whatever the hell you feel like, all of the time, and not answering to anyone about it.

What if I Want to be Single?

Here’s the deal: I am very happy with my life and I don’t want anyone to fuck it up. What I mean is that I would love to be in a forever relationship with someone I’m on the same wavelength as who is fun and caring and interesting but I am not sure this is a person that 1) exists 2) I will meet and 3) will like me back.

I’ve been around a lot of relationships: my parents (I am up to four of them), friends and coworkers. None of them have ever made being in a relationship seem that great. Don’t get me wrong, they love their partners but its just that from the outside you see the drama and the unhappiness and you don’t get to see (what I’m told) are the private moments that make it all worth it. But maybe it’s like having kids where studies show parents are pretty unhappy compared to their non-parent peers and they all tell themselves its worth it because raising a kid is such a meaningful or joyful experience. So basically, you have to lie to yourself to get through parenting and I think I want kids so maybe it totally is worth it but the studies would tell you otherwise.

A lot of boys aren’t very rational. This is pretty much the opposite of the stereotype but the men in my life (parents, friends, coworkers) are like “that’s the way that it is” when explaining why they don’t want to do something. They don’t want to be rational because that would involve having to explain their feelings, which they aren’t raised to be comfortable doing. I’m real sorry that this is the case but I don’t want people in my life like this. I need to understand things, it’s part of my nature, and if you can’t make an explanation or have a conversation about it that’s an unbearable weight of frustration.

When I think about what would make me really happy in life I picture getting the house on the river I want and having two dogs. That seems like crazy dog lady territory- but is it really that crazy? Men are allowed to be introverts and value their “space” all the time. Why in America where you can do anything is there still only one picture of what the rest of your life is supposed to look like? Is it because that’s really what makes everyone happy? Or is it just that hard not to cave to social pressure?

What’s Wrong with Drama?

A good friend recently told me he was done with relationships because they’re too stressful and taxing. His new plan is to sleep with people on an ongoing basis but without formally dating because it will be easier and less dramatic.

As a friend I felt compelled to explain to him how his reasoning was exactly wrong on this issue. You will never get anything worthwhile by valuing “easy” over like “potential to make me happy.” Bro is a weightlifter, he should understand this. You’d never build muscle if you didn’t put resistance on the weights.

I’m not saying you should do something hard for the sake of just doing it, but have you ever got the warm fuzzies from achieving something that was easy? Your life isn’t supposed to be a cake walk. Please don’t think that walking around like a dumbass taking the path of least resistance is going to make you happy. That’s going to pass the time in a moderately enjoyable way, if that’s the highest hope you have for happiness.

The reason I know I have never dated anyone I should really regret not being with anymore is because none of them have ever stood up to me. I mean they’ve been like “I don’t want to date you” or whatever but they’ve all been pretty unchallenging. I think people in general are unchallenging not because they are stupid but because they just think it’s good to be that way. I really don’t need you to agree with me because it’s fun to have someone agree with you, pls tell me your real opinion or gtfo.

Think about Bentham’s hedonic calculus for a sec, there are all sorts of variables to consider when deciding if something is going to make you happy:

1) Intensity: How strong is the pleasure?

2) Duration: How long will the pleasure last? 

3) Certainty: How sure am I that it will be pleasurable?

4) Propinquity: How far away are the benefits?

5) Fecundity: How probable is it that this action will beget more pleasure in the future?

6) Purity: Is the pleasure brought by this action diminished by also bringing pain?

7) Extent: How many people will receive pleasure from this action?

It kind of depresses me to think about someone making a decision just to avoid a lil pain without realizing how small minded and straight up lazy that is. Use your grown up brain and make a real decision that’s based on critical thinking and not just the connotations words like “relationships” and drama” carry.

So You Wanna Be My Boyfriend…

Was he a man? No, I mean like, was he a MAN? Was this the kinda guy who, if you heard glass breaking in the middle of the night, is he gonna jump outta bed and say ‘Stay here’ and look through the house naked with a baseball bat or is he gonna hide under the covers with you? Is this the kinda guy who is gonna get grossed out when you give birth or is he gonna dry your forehead and tell you that you look beautiful while all that disgusting stuff is coming out of you? Is he the kind of guy would just lay someone out at a Springsteen show because he was being disrespectful?”—Dr. Danny Castellano - The Mindy Project