This is a response to a recent Thought Catalog article.
33 Things You Should Know Before Dating Me
1. I cheated on my girlfriend of eight years which caused our eventual break-up. I did not/do not feel good about it. That’s gross but was this like yesterday or like the day you graduated high school? I have extraordinarily low respect for people who cheat for a long time or do other things where they just do not care about their partner at all but won’t just be single because they are scared/don’t want to make a life change. I think it says a lot about the person you are if you are constantly choosing the path of least resistance verses venturing out and trying something that might be difficult at first.
2. Sometimes I eat cereal without milk, but I prefer milk. This is okay. Wash your dish afterwards.
3. I will offer to pay for meals on the first three dates. After that, we will awkwardly decide to split the check or you will pay. If we make about the same amount of money this is a non issue.
4. While I can be a music snob (Animal Collective is God) I love pop music in a non-ironic way. If you do not, get over yourself. We are in vehement agreement.
5. Farting en plein air is on the table after ten dates. No. I’d like to continue to be attracted to you. This is something that dads/brothers/babies do.
6. You will drive most of the time. It’s not that I don’t like driving, it’s that I love not driving. I hate driving and I am bad at it AND I have no sense of direction.
7. I’m 6’2″ but I like to be the little spoon once in a while because I probably wasn’t hugged enough. Fair enough.
8. I’ll write about you. Ditto. I’ll also write about other boys.
9. I can cook 1-3 dishes and they are mediocre, but it’s from a guy so you will love it. Sure.
10. I like giving oral sex more than receiving it and if you think that’s pandering have you seen the rest of this list? Dumb. Probably the main reason I like giving oral sex is because guys are crazy about it. For the sake of all your brothers, please don’t make it lose it’s luster.
11. Must love baked goods. They have no nutritional value, sorry.
12. Chest/thigh/belly/shoulder hair is a thing you’re gonna have to deal with. You are a human man, no?
13. PDA is for rare occasions like firework displays or witnessing a person get hit by a car. Sure.
14. I am awful at dancing as well as new to comfortably doing it in public so I will embarrass myself/you in a serious way. If you have a smile on your face and you are dancing with me, no one will notice.
15. Are you a pet lover? I am indifferent to them so let’s reign it back, dog-kisser. Deal breaker. I would like three giant dogs running around my house and I would like them all to sleep in my bed and kiss my face. Uh oh.
16. I judge the shit out of strangers for no reason other than entertainment because I am a monster. It would be cool if you did too because it’s very fun. Please cross reference the our philolzophy chat logs where we link to people’s facebooks and say “sorry about your ‘life.”
17. Sitting on the beach is preferable to long walks. I tire easily and sand is annoying. Both/And? Not sure about your health re: not being able to go on a walk? This could be an issue.
18. I drink too much sometimes. Awesome.
19. There are stretches of time where brushing my teeth is not a priority. Related, I am cool without a shower for at least 1.5 days. Are these stretches of time longer than 8 hours?
20. If we meet my friends, I will not introduce you properly so get ready to introduce yourself. You know who else does this? Boys in high school. Please grow up into an adult and learn how to make an introduction. It’s sexy when you don’t act like a kid.
21. I have been known to get very jealous. I’m a woman.
22. We live in a world of text messaging, but don’t freak out if I don’t answer if I am out. I sometimes willfully ignore them, sometimes I leave my phone in the car. Normal.
23. If we’ve drank too much, I can drunk drive pretty well/am not afraid to die (I’m actually terrified of dying). I live in a metropolitan area basically exclusively so we can drink and then take a taxi home at minimal cost. One of these things seems better than the other.
24. Mini-golf, bowling, arcade games, doesn’t matter. I am competitive and will never, ever consider letting you win. I don’t care how out of my league you are. I’m really good at everything so you can try to win.
25. I’ve lied to self-preserve. But I try hard not to anymore. Cool.
26. I enjoy pornography about as much as most gentlemen. Maybe a bit more. Eh.
27. If you sincerely use “Facebook official” “lol” or “OMG” in conversation, I doubt this is going to work out. Please reference your response to people who don’t like pop music. Life’s too short not to get “omg” excited about things.
28. With enough time, I can set up some spectacular dates. Sweet.
29. I have set foot in a strip club once. It was surreal. Me too.
30. Feminism is cool with me. Me too.
31. There will be times I choose friends over you because they are fun to be around and it’s hard to see them all the time. I see your “some times” and raise you “often times.”
32. Mama’s boy? Probably. The rest of my family is pretty OK too. Please just don’t be a baby about it.
33. Spiders do not strike fear in my heart. I got this. If those giant centipedes are included in this statement, that would be awesome.