phiLOLZophy

Stalking Your Ex’s New Love Interest

I know its 2012 but I don’t really stalk love interests. I usually google them or look them up on facebook but its embarrassing to read about someone on the internet and if I want to continue liking them I’ll keep it to a minimum because I don’t want to look at their dorky CNN.com comments or know they once signed a petition for free range beef in their college caf. My professional level stalking is reserved for the girls dudes date after me.

As a category, they are just so morbidly fascinating. First of all, they aren’t me. Second they are just bizarre choices. A frumpy short-haired librarian who likes to play cribbage? I mean, that’s just so insulting. They are all inevitably have cats and are interested in are all really boring bourgeois things like ‘living in the city (until I get a ring then buying a house in the suburbs)’! ‘Brunch (where I discuss tv shows, music just not streamer enough to cool, my corporate job, apples, and of course, my wonderful fiancé!”

This one time I was so intrigued by the awfulness of this girl’s internet presence that I reduced the talents of the famous alt blogger I was chatting with at the time to making mean image macros about her. I asked Tao Lin if he would make it into some sweet art for like $50, but drew the line at going through with it.

This is what you do while you are waiting for the guts to swallow the pill that someone can move from a deep and real connection to one with someone so blase. Sure, she’s pseudo-intellectual enough to keep up the image with your friends that you’re the “non-douchebag” guy in the group, but let’s get real. You stared at the abyss and it starred back so you ran back into Plato’s cave to watch some cool shadows for the next portion of your life.

I think it would be better to feel hopelessly inferior to your ex’s new love interest. It would be easier to get over for sure because you understand the logic behind it. The person you loved is great and amazing and deserve someone who is those things too, maybe it wasn’t you. But when they go for someone who is the opposite of all the things you are proud of yourself about- what then? It’s hard to move on when you don’t understand the logic because you’re stuck asking yourself questions about if all the things you value (intelligence, being interesting) are really that great anyways.

Nice Guys are Really Important

Last night I told a mutual friend that I was making a hard sell to get the other lolz doll to marry this guy shes not even presently involved with. Because he’s really nice. My bro friend may not have understood the importance of this trait but ladies: amirite???

I mean it’s not just that he’s nice, it’s that it coincides with him also being cute and smart and cool. Has anyone else seen these four qualities cohabitate in one individual? I mean, that’s the dream isn’t it? Most smart people are boring or humorless or nerdy. Most attractive people are dumb and stuck up and caught in some major emotional arrested development. It’s why everyone has slept with a hot bartender.

You have to make some concessions in life. Like you can get probably 75% of what you want at the cost of the other 25 %. You can’t really concede to be with a mean person, there’s nowhere to go from there. You know at some point you’re going to be 50 and fighting every second because you’ve been their-way-or-the-highway-ing for 20 years. You can be with someone that’s somewhat unattractive, everyone is going to get old and wrinkly. Sometimes nerdy people are okay. (I’d give this category more thought if I hadn’t had such bad experiences with nerdy dudes being total closet misogynists).

My point is that nice is the least negotiable thing on this list. It’s such an overused word that we probably think everyone we know is nice. This is not true. Most people you know are passive. That is a very different thing from being nice. Deferential action, or inaction, is not even close to being a great personality trait. Nice means considering the feelings of others greater than your own, it’s an active trait. If someone is nice they will listen to your feelings and consider them before moving forward out of respect, not indifference (which is never respectful).

This is why being nice is the best, it demonstrates a genuine respect for other people. You can say you respect someone all you want, but the only way to show that is to act it out by caring about them and treating them well.

6 Reasons WASPs Make Terrible Boyfriends

1) They don’t learn how to take care of people. In the WASP world when someone gets sick, they go to the hospital, or to rehab or to an old folks home. People don’t get treated in the house by their family, this is outsourced. Growing up you don’t even clean your own home or care for your own children. People from this kind of upbringing don’t learn how to be caregivers. They don’t learn the importance of falling back on your family or taking someone under your wing.

2) They don’t know how to fix things. In WASP culture if something breaks, you replace it or pay a professional to fix it. This creates a class of idiots who have to rely on what they view as witch doctors to tell them anything about the things they own. This view passes over to people. If someone isn’t perfect, farm them out to a therapist. It doesn’t occur to a WASP that you yourself might actually have to engage in some problem solving in order to fix your relationship issues.

3) They drink a lot, in the bad way. I’m all for dating people who drink a lot, they’re fun. WASPs are not fun, and they don’t drink to be fun. WASPS drink to get tranquil and numb their feelings so they can go on pretending they don’t have any. OMG this is so unappealing I can’t handle it.

4) They’re passive. WASPs don’t like conflict. They like talking about conflict and farming the actual aggression out to lawyers. This is gross. Man up.

5) They phone it in. WASPs expect everything to be about them. Their mothers treat them this way, why wouldn’t you? They have no knowledge of the actual pressures of life, nor are they interested in discovering them. They just float by, following their parents wishes, marrying someone attractive but not feisty, having the absolute average number of children. Where’s the passion?

6) They’re obsessed with image. And they brought us madras. yikes.

4 Pieces of Relevant Dating Advice from The Bible

It is literally impossible to have a conversation about the bible because people are so crazy about their opinions either way. We don’t really care that much but some of the wisdom we learned in our youth is surprisingly applicable to our current lives:

“Faith without works is dead.” I love this verse. I really do. Kelly Cutrone quoted it in her book which I thought was badass, but I can’t pull off ironically quoting the bible so I never say it. But seriously, fucking talk all the game you want to but if you don’t do anything about it everything you say is completely worthless. If a guy says he likes you but he doesn’t treat you as if you are a priority, it’s not worth it. Maybe a girl says she is interested in a relationship with you but after a month you’ve paid her phone bill and like 20 expensive dinners and she still hasn’t s-ed your d. Talk is cheap!

“The guilty man flees when no one pursues.” Sometimes people fight in relationships. Here’s the clincher though- I have integrity so I know fights are about misunderstandings or making someone else feel comfortable. I don’t have to shy away from it because you can ask me anything you want and I’m not going to get myself into a hole. Cheaters and A-holes run away from conflict or being transparent because they have so much to lose.

“Do not stir up or awaken love until it is ready.” I thought this was the dumbest advice in the world until I got myself in a situation where I was super attached to someone who wasn’t ready for it. There’s a line you cross in every relationship that’s like a proverbial Rubicon- there is no turning back. I know you are punch drunk crushing and you just want to follow your lil heart but seriously evaluate whether you are making a stupid decision before you proceed.

“The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” Can’t imagine having a bad relationship with someone who values these things.

The Different Stages of Crushing There Are

You do a Double Take. Yep, that’s pretty much all that happens in stage one. Maybe you meet a stranger and think to yourself “damn that bro is cute” or else it’s the first time you look at one of your platonic friends in a new light. A haircut, a ballsy opinion, maybe you just found yourself replaying the previous night in your head the next morning thinking “wow I had SO much fun with John I have to hang out with him more.” I get a stage one crush on like 20 dudes a day in the summer because they are walking with cute dogs and they all look chill as shit.

Information Seeking. The second stage of crushing has to do with vetting your prospective Romeo. If you’re not really interested in dating at the moment, this takes forever because you primarily gather information passively as you get to know this person more. If they’ve piqued your interest, you’ll be actively hunting down their facebook, checking if they’re single, talking up mutual friends about what their families are like and if they’ve been dicks to their past girlfriends.

Reaching Out. Finally, you put your feelers out and you get him invited to group hangs, go to his DJ nights on the reg and start texting him. You’re still just feeling it out, in fact, it’s possible to have not even vocalized him as “a crush” to yourself yet. You’re just seeing what it would be like to spend more time with him.

Obsession. You begin to talk about your crush and you do.not.stop. If you aren’t talking about your crush, you are silently praying that someone else brings them up so you can start again. You refer to them as your boyfriend/girlfriend to someone like your doctor’s receptionist.

Exclusive Hangs. You hang out with your Betty or Baldwin 1:1. You accidentally/intentionally GRAZE THEIR LEG OMG. You try to talk to them and be cool but inevitably blather on about your skin care regimen and then roll your ankle while walking home.

They Annoy You. The first time they annoy you, your crush is officially O-V-E-R. But, you might have a real human relationship at this point, so congrats!

The Danger of Friend Equilibrium

So somebody broke your heart. Or, more accurately, is currently in the drawn-out process of slowly breaking your heart. At this point you feel miserable more often than you feel happy, anxious more often than content, hopeless more often than excited. You are at the point where you recognize the relationship is not going anywhere and yet you still sincerely believe it can be rectified. If only X, Y, and Z could somehow be fixed through extreme, concerted effort on my part, well then everything would be fine,” you think. But that’s hard work and you’re losing steam, and losing yourself in the process of trying so hard to fix the relationship for the relationship’s sake.

Given that you are not the asshole in the relationship, you probably are generally considerate of other people’s feelings. This implies that you have good friends. Good friends tend to be there for you. This means you probably spend a significant part of your day chatting and/or texting and/or depressedly walking through a mall with someone who is willing to listen to your problems. Endlessly.

And that’s good, right? You probably can’t imagine having no one to talk to about your shitty relationship. If you actually paused to think about it you’d acknowledge fairly quickly that this is how your day goes: wake up feeling anxious as hell, worry about how this day is going to go with regard to The Person, contact friend(s) to talk through your feelings. If you didn’t have that you’d stay in phase one or two, worrying all day about where you stand and if their feelings have changed and when you’ll see them next and who they are with. Talking to your friends distracts you. Pro.

But unfortunately, there is a major, unforeseen downside to that. And that overwhelming con is the danger of friend equilibrium.

Because here is what you think is happening: you are depressed/in a bad place and your friend makes you feel better.

Here is what is really happening: you are depressed/in a bad place and your friend makes you feel better.

Key phrase: your friend. Listen, I’d never dream of begrudging you someone to talk to in a time of need. Lord knows I’d be in an asylum (or worse, married to a guy who works at Best Buy, seriously) if it weren’t for my friends’ advice and thoughtfulness. 

However, the problem here is that it is your friends and not your significant other who is making you feel better. Notice in the above explanation that you wake up feeling terrible and you only don’t feel terrible because someone hears and helps you out (and, honestly, coddles you a little bit), not because the person who is hurting you and causing you anxiety in the first place did anything at all.

What this all boils down to is the fact that as well-intentioned as they may be, your friends when so heavily relied upon end up creating an artificially comfortable atmosphere where you’re vulnerable to feeling like ‘things are okay again’ enough so that you stay with The Person.

The moral of the story is if you wake up feeling anxious and awful every day, it’s okay to look to others for support, but ask yourself if it’s the person who you’re dating that’s making you feel better or an uninvolved third party. 

Pascal’s Wager and Vague Romantic Relationships

Vintage PhiLOLZophy post today:

For those of you who aren’t familiar, Blaise Pascal was this philosopher who is mostly remembered for his ‘argument’ that you should believe in god. Basically he narrows the issue to four options, explains the potential outcomes of each option, and then says that if you were a betting man (person, ugh) that you would choose to believe in god. Kind of feels like Pascal thinks he’s Liz Lemon and I’m Jack Donaghy and he’s getting me to hire a shitty person by surrounding them with three even shittier people. But I digress.

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The Different Ways to Never Make Me Want to See You Again There Are

Demonstrate feigned hyper-masculinity. During the small period of time when I thought it would be a good idea to meet guys on Match, I went out with what I believed based on chats and talks was a gentlemanly, traditional-but-not-in-the-misogynist-way bro. What I got instead picked me up in a loud red sports car that he drove recklessly. Brunch was filled with equal parts discussion of his motorcycle and needlessly rude comments towards the waitress. He might have just been a nice guy who was trying to come off ‘cool’, but not for me.

Feel Entitled. Oh man, is there anything worse than a guy who feels entitled to your shit? You know like, “I paid for dinner” “you’re wearing a slutty dress” “you got me hard” etc is running through their heads and they think you owe them sex. Get the fuck out. I feel like barfing just talking about this but somehow it happens a lot. If you do this, I will get standoffish and then tell you you have to leave.

Be Insecure. One of the most difficult things about a new relationship is cultivating the perfect blend of confidence. You absolutely cannot be an insecure mess. You cannot text me things like “you probably don’t want to see me again but I’m free all weekend” or “I see you haven’t texted me in the last 30 minutes, have a nice life.” You have to have some sense that you are a decent human being worthy of someone’s time and attention. I mean, if you don’t believe that to be true, you probably shouldn’t be dating. You’ll be nervous and you won’t want to come off like a stuck up douchebag but please draw the line short of making someone convince you they really do want a date number two with you.

Disrespect me. Please don’t show up really late or in sweatpants or on a million drugs. Please take me to any place that I could tell me friends about (hint: it does not have a drive thru). Please don’t continue to date your ex-girlfriend in public even though we share the same pool of friends. This is the beginning, it’s common knowledge that if you aren’t trying now it’s only downhill from here.

Exhibit an inability to meet the bare minimum requirements of adulthood. On a first date a guy told me that until recently he was living in someone else’s car. Does it make me classist that there was no coming back from that? It could I guess. The best part about having divorced parents though is that I grew up being a little bit afraid of men. I wasn’t used to them being providers or emotional supports. This means that it wasn’t ingrained in me that I need a boyfriend or husband, they have to add value to my life in order to be a part of it. When it seems like someone is floundering in these early stages I can only envision a future in which I’m stuck taking care of a man-sized baby.

I Never Want to Have Sex Again

Hi Buddies.

Just got done reading a really bumwave blog post some bro wrote about how he likes small boobs. I guess small boobs are better because they look better aesthetically and because girls who have small boobs are more carefree because they aren’t tied down by having to manage their huge rack all day.

Wait, let me get the wording right:

Big boobs are sorta laborious. They’re flopping in your face, the girls are working hard to “manage” them, and often they’re unshapely—sorta like an orange dropped into a sock.

Earnestly never want to have sex again. What if I get naked with you and then you feel like you have a right to talk about my body like this?

I mean, I don’t think sex has to be special and romantic and done with You Take My Breath Away playing in the background but I have to have this sort of minimum agreement that during the act you are spending the time being present and not thinking up infographics to rate my skills vs. body later.

He goes on to talk about how well endowed girls are complimented more, so they rest on their laurels and don’t know as many sex tricks as their smaller counterparts. Here’s another way to arrive at that conclusion: maybe they haven’t learned as many tricks because they have not had a respectful and trustworthy partner to explore with. This could happen if, complete hypothetical here, they fuck some creepy bro who writes about how their bodies “weren’t really his thing” afterwards. It takes two to tango dumbass.

If this is the reality of what men are thinking when I am getting vulns I just feel like what is even in it for me anymore? Get some reverence bro.

Things I Learned This Year

People Can Change. I used to think it was always true that people don’t change. I still think its true that you shouldn’t expect them to, but changing isn’t really that difficult. I got into this huge, devastating fight with one of my friends. While there was a lot of facets to it, the most tangible thing was about me leaving things around our house all the time. I thought being scattered was just part of who I was. But it was also the part of the fight that I had control over, so I worked on it. Its been five months and I have the cleanest apartment of anyone I know now. It was actually really easy. It meant a lot to someone, and I found that cleaning was a really good outlet for my anxiety. 

It has to do with having an open mind. I didn’t assume my friend was crazy for being annoyed or that my right to live the way I was accustomed to was greater than her comfort.

Don’t Fill an Entire Watermelon With Vodka and Then Play Spin The Bottle. Seriously.

If it Makes You Happy, Go With It. I get like, a sick amount of happiness from dumb things like reading magazines, going to the beach, and putting make-up on. I decided to spend more time doing these kind of things this year. I have new friends that share my interests, and am a lot happier overall.

You Have to Respect People’s Wishes. Being a smart girl I naturally assume I know what’s best for people. And being extremely well-intentioned I’m inclined to be a little to persistent in trying to give people what  I think they need rather than what they ask me for. That’s kind of rude. And it’s kind of like asking a jogger if they want a ride. That’s not the point, and it’s not helpful.

Don’t be Proud. If you need help, ask for it. A lot of times having anxiety leads to inaction when you’re faced with a problem because you get too nervous and stressed out to do anything about it. But being vulnerable and talking to someone about it helps. Sometimes you have to cry on the phone to your mom even though you are 26. Sometimes the solution suxxx and you don’t want to do it. That’s life. 

Don’t Go to Raves on Work Nights. I never say “I’m too old for this,” but at any age, this is just a bad idea.

Don’t Date Someone You’re Not Interested In. Give them a fair shake, but if you don’t like them, leave them alone.