Give Me Some F-ing Closure, Asshole


Hi Dickface:

Do you remember when I asked you if you thought you were a good person and you said yes, that you try to do the right thing?

Ok cool.

Please point me to the system of ethics that says it’s cool to ignore someone when they are talking to you? You know, the one that says it’s okay to not do something that would take the smallest amount of effort known to man but would provide a great sense of relief to another human.

Oh wait.

I got that twisted, that one actually doesn’t exist. Like your heart.

Listen up: I understand that my emotions are my responsibility. But I feel like you are putting quarters in a gumball machine and then getting pissed when gumballs come out.

Asking me to not care about you without giving me a reason to change is like asking someone to stop believing in gravity. There’s no vehicle for me to get from A to B, I’m just expected to pretend I’m there. Asking this is forcing me to live outside of reality rather than providing me with what I need to make an *actual* epistemological shift.

The reason I’m still thinking of you is the reason I’m still thinking about the Dyatlov Pass incident. WTF happened? Mysteries are fascinating, facts are not.

You see, when you tell someone you don’t want to date them after expressing how cool you think they are, you’re leading them to the edge of the self-doubt abyss. There’s always a reason people change their behavior and when one isn’t provided I get to cycle through the really fun options of “it’s because I am fat?” “Do my blow jobs suck?” “Did my hair go flat?”

Don’t make people fill in their “why I wasn’t good enough” narratives. It makes them crazy. Just look at me.

What if I Want to be Single?

Here’s the deal: I am very happy with my life and I don’t want anyone to fuck it up. What I mean is that I would love to be in a forever relationship with someone I’m on the same wavelength as who is fun and caring and interesting but I am not sure this is a person that 1) exists 2) I will meet and 3) will like me back.

I’ve been around a lot of relationships: my parents (I am up to four of them), friends and coworkers. None of them have ever made being in a relationship seem that great. Don’t get me wrong, they love their partners but its just that from the outside you see the drama and the unhappiness and you don’t get to see (what I’m told) are the private moments that make it all worth it. But maybe it’s like having kids where studies show parents are pretty unhappy compared to their non-parent peers and they all tell themselves its worth it because raising a kid is such a meaningful or joyful experience. So basically, you have to lie to yourself to get through parenting and I think I want kids so maybe it totally is worth it but the studies would tell you otherwise.

A lot of boys aren’t very rational. This is pretty much the opposite of the stereotype but the men in my life (parents, friends, coworkers) are like “that’s the way that it is” when explaining why they don’t want to do something. They don’t want to be rational because that would involve having to explain their feelings, which they aren’t raised to be comfortable doing. I’m real sorry that this is the case but I don’t want people in my life like this. I need to understand things, it’s part of my nature, and if you can’t make an explanation or have a conversation about it that’s an unbearable weight of frustration.

When I think about what would make me really happy in life I picture getting the house on the river I want and having two dogs. That seems like crazy dog lady territory- but is it really that crazy? Men are allowed to be introverts and value their “space” all the time. Why in America where you can do anything is there still only one picture of what the rest of your life is supposed to look like? Is it because that’s really what makes everyone happy? Or is it just that hard not to cave to social pressure?

Boys: I Really Don’t Care About Your Opinion

Something I get kind of overly “angry feminist” about is when people tell me their unsolicited opinions about my life. Like, the 911 guys came to my house earlier this year and after the emergency was dealt with one of them made a comment about how I could put some clothes on now. I was wearing a nightie because it was the middle of the night and how was I supposed to know I was going to have to be dealing with 911? Fuck off, you are in my home? I know you’re 911 or whatever, but it’s not like I invited you in. Maybe he didn’t mean anything by it but I couldn’t believe he was slut shaming me when I had clearly just been asleep in my own bed. No one asked you.

I had kind of a relationship ending fight with someone about blogs this year. Like this bro was telling me it was hard for him to respect me because I have a blog and blogs are for people who like, really desperate for attention. Granted, he was older than me and still thinks in terms of blogs being very separate from “websites” or “news” or anything that is read by anyone except other bloggers hoping to get hits back to their websites but it was really bizarre. It’s really difficult to have a fight about something you don’t think is a big deal, but you aren’t wrong about. I don’t have an ego about my blog, it’s hot pink and full of bad grammar and holes in logic I am hoping someone wants to talk about. But there is a difference between not having an ego about something and knowing it’s not nothing. At the very least this blog is a working out of questions that are really important to me. I don’t know how else I would think about stuff. In college, I wrote papers and got feedback about stuff and now I am doing the same sort of writing-in-hopes-of-generating-conversation thing. Until you help me become aware of my other options, I really need you to not trivialize the way I am trying to figure out my life.

Taylor Swift is on the cover of Cosmo this month. As generally uninteresting as she seems to be she had the perfect answer for one of their interview questions. They asked her how she would respond if a new boyfriend asked her not to write songs about him. She said that anyone who knew her and how important her music was to her, and that that’s how she worked out her feelings, would never ask her to do that.

I think that giving your opinion to someone, even unsolicited can be constructive and awesome if it comes from trying to help that person. But I think most of the time when guys tell me stuff it’s more along the lines of “can you please be less embarrassing/more conservative/shut up and make me look good.” It makes me feel so tired.

I don’t want to embarrass you. I want you to not want to be with me if you think that it’s embarrassing to want to talk about your feelings. If you don’t get it, don’t have an opinion about it.

6 Reasons WASPs Make Terrible Boyfriends

1) They don’t learn how to take care of people. In the WASP world when someone gets sick, they go to the hospital, or to rehab or to an old folks home. People don’t get treated in the house by their family, this is outsourced. Growing up you don’t even clean your own home or care for your own children. People from this kind of upbringing don’t learn how to be caregivers. They don’t learn the importance of falling back on your family or taking someone under your wing.

2) They don’t know how to fix things. In WASP culture if something breaks, you replace it or pay a professional to fix it. This creates a class of idiots who have to rely on what they view as witch doctors to tell them anything about the things they own. This view passes over to people. If someone isn’t perfect, farm them out to a therapist. It doesn’t occur to a WASP that you yourself might actually have to engage in some problem solving in order to fix your relationship issues.

3) They drink a lot, in the bad way. I’m all for dating people who drink a lot, they’re fun. WASPs are not fun, and they don’t drink to be fun. WASPS drink to get tranquil and numb their feelings so they can go on pretending they don’t have any. OMG this is so unappealing I can’t handle it.

4) They’re passive. WASPs don’t like conflict. They like talking about conflict and farming the actual aggression out to lawyers. This is gross. Man up.

5) They phone it in. WASPs expect everything to be about them. Their mothers treat them this way, why wouldn’t you? They have no knowledge of the actual pressures of life, nor are they interested in discovering them. They just float by, following their parents wishes, marrying someone attractive but not feisty, having the absolute average number of children. Where’s the passion?

6) They’re obsessed with image. And they brought us madras. yikes.

The Danger of Friend Equilibrium

So somebody broke your heart. Or, more accurately, is currently in the drawn-out process of slowly breaking your heart. At this point you feel miserable more often than you feel happy, anxious more often than content, hopeless more often than excited. You are at the point where you recognize the relationship is not going anywhere and yet you still sincerely believe it can be rectified. If only X, Y, and Z could somehow be fixed through extreme, concerted effort on my part, well then everything would be fine,” you think. But that’s hard work and you’re losing steam, and losing yourself in the process of trying so hard to fix the relationship for the relationship’s sake.

Given that you are not the asshole in the relationship, you probably are generally considerate of other people’s feelings. This implies that you have good friends. Good friends tend to be there for you. This means you probably spend a significant part of your day chatting and/or texting and/or depressedly walking through a mall with someone who is willing to listen to your problems. Endlessly.

And that’s good, right? You probably can’t imagine having no one to talk to about your shitty relationship. If you actually paused to think about it you’d acknowledge fairly quickly that this is how your day goes: wake up feeling anxious as hell, worry about how this day is going to go with regard to The Person, contact friend(s) to talk through your feelings. If you didn’t have that you’d stay in phase one or two, worrying all day about where you stand and if their feelings have changed and when you’ll see them next and who they are with. Talking to your friends distracts you. Pro.

But unfortunately, there is a major, unforeseen downside to that. And that overwhelming con is the danger of friend equilibrium.

Because here is what you think is happening: you are depressed/in a bad place and your friend makes you feel better.

Here is what is really happening: you are depressed/in a bad place and your friend makes you feel better.

Key phrase: your friend. Listen, I’d never dream of begrudging you someone to talk to in a time of need. Lord knows I’d be in an asylum (or worse, married to a guy who works at Best Buy, seriously) if it weren’t for my friends’ advice and thoughtfulness. 

However, the problem here is that it is your friends and not your significant other who is making you feel better. Notice in the above explanation that you wake up feeling terrible and you only don’t feel terrible because someone hears and helps you out (and, honestly, coddles you a little bit), not because the person who is hurting you and causing you anxiety in the first place did anything at all.

What this all boils down to is the fact that as well-intentioned as they may be, your friends when so heavily relied upon end up creating an artificially comfortable atmosphere where you’re vulnerable to feeling like ‘things are okay again’ enough so that you stay with The Person.

The moral of the story is if you wake up feeling anxious and awful every day, it’s okay to look to others for support, but ask yourself if it’s the person who you’re dating that’s making you feel better or an uninvolved third party. 

The Pros and Cons of Dating This Guy I Just Met on The Internet


  • Will buy me things.
  • Will get to play with his dogs.
  • Bangin body I get to stare at for a few hours.
  • We can meet up with my friends and have one of ‘those nights.’
  • Maybe he can do that dirty dancing thing with his arms.
  • He has a really weird name and I love saying weird names.
  • Maybe he is ‘the one.’
  • Maybe he is ‘the one that will buy me some earrings.’ 


  • He could cut me up and put me in the trunk of his car.
  • 'Old pictures.'
  • Maybe his dogs aren’t even cool.
  • He is really old and what if he has a heart attack and dies. 
  • Probably secretly married. 
  • May have to ‘lose him’ between drinks and meeting up my friends. Forced to assuage guilt with shots.