Things to Have an Opinion About

Coffee. You can remain neutral on the subject of heaven and hell but to abstain from java-related preference is anathema. On the first day of your new job youll be asked if you are a coffee drinker, consider carefully how your response will inform your new brand. Beyond mere imbibers and tee-totaling is the nuance of preparation. Hot or cold? Sugar? Cream? Do you prefer tea instead? Soda? Do you allow your significant other to speak to you before you have some or are you like ‘totally wrecked’ without it?

Kids These Days. Kids just sit on their cell phones and don’t have any attention spans and are The End of Western Civilization As We Know It. You can come to their defense, too. Maybe they are more compassionate and a better communicator than you are. You must decide.

 Chris Brown. Chris Brown is a huge fucking asshole douchebag. Chris Brown made a mistake and we should learn to forgive people. Chris Brown should be castrated. Chris Brown leads the NFC in completed passes. Chris Brown depreciated the value of my home by 4%.  One time I saw Chris Brown wearing army pants and flip flops so I bought army pants and flip flops. Contact Chris Brown about networking opportunities in your area.

Weddings. Tell the story of your wedding. Which DJ did you use? How did you save money by using seasonal flowers instead of roses? Don’t let the glassy-eyed facade of the single person near you be a deterrent, centerpieces are a point of endless fascination for us all. Let the speculation on venues never cease. Onward and outward with talk of complimentary colors. Your opinion on the classiness of cloth napkins will be your Great Contribution to humankind.

People You Know From High School. Lindsey totally got fat, can you even believe it? Matt Parker is an accountant now, I wonder if he still blacks out on the reg. Remember when Natalie puked on Jason at Prom? Can’t believe they have three kids now. We’re so old.

You spell ‘dinosaur’ F-A-C-E-B-O-O-K

 Worried Facebook is the new Myspace y’all. Haven’t “checked” my page in 1-1.5 weeks.

 Feels like Facebook has gotten acute Myspace syndrome- influx of junks. The biggest asset Facebook has is that it that all my friends and contacts are on it. The biggest problem Facebook has is that all my friends and contacts are on it.

 I want a contact aggregator/stalk engine where I can plug in the name of someone and get their basic information. Are they single? What’s their phone number? Do I know any web-developers? These are the kinds of questions Facebook should be able to answer for me, and it does. The problem, however is that we all know an awful lot of uninteresting people. Its also a scientific fact that the less interesting someone is, the more active they are on facebook. No one wants to spend any time on Facebook because its just a junk parade of useless, boring information. Just want to get in, get my contact info, and get back to Twitter.

 Facebook is bloated, Twitter gets it. It doesn’t try to be everything, it does one thing really well- connect people + create interesting conversation.


  1. Connecting people-  you don’t have to know someone IRL to talk to them. Twitter facilitates this with #hashtags. Have some niche interests? Throw a hashtag in front of it and you’ll find people who are discussing it in real time. This is miles ahead of Facebook groups, where discussions take place over days and weeks, not minutes.
  2. Interesting conversation- You have to be interesting to have followers on twitter. There just isn’t the pressure there is on Facebook to follow everyone you know. To get followers you have to say interesting things, be engaging, funny, even stupid (but in an interesting way). Additionally Twitter gives you a 140 character limit, forcing all those long talkers to get the point already. 

Facebook just isn’t the cool kid on the block anymore. It’s parents made it join that basketball league where they don’t keep score and everyone gets a participation trophy. That’s great for the lame kids that suck at sports, but this is America, at least some of us believe in capitalism. If you’re going to be a relevant aggregator of anything, especially people, there’s gotta be a way for stars to shine.

Social Media isn’t Narcissistic (You Are)

There are no authentic reasons to be anti-technology, or anti-social media.

Of the many fake, un-thought-out (see also: hysterical) reasons to hate on technology, one is that it is narcissistic. Sorry about your techno-hypochondriasis but social media is only undoing decades of this awful damaging thing called “managing your reputation.”  Back in the stone age (20th century) reputation was based on an imposed set of cultural values: men were manly, women were good/quiet/inthekitchen, and everyone loved Jesus, Elvis, and America.

This means that no one communicated honestly. You didn’t build a brand, you managed the one you were given by your parents.

Then, the internet was created and shit started to get real (sic).

At the beginning of the internet, people discovered that they could say whatever they wanted and no one could do anything about it [via anonymity]. Weirdos could find other weirdos and bond away from the judging eyes of non-weirdos. Facebook came and people were already used to being at least somewhat anonymous on the internet and getting an instant platform on which to talk about their lives to their social network, without actually having to talk directly to any one person, kept this freedom alive. Cut to 2k10, social media is the “free to be you and me” of the 2k10 generation.

People can talk about anything on the internet. People can tweet about having a miscarriage in real time. Social media isn’t narcissistic in any relevant way because its about honesty. Its talking about the human experience you are having, as it happens, which has never been done before.

Cognitive honesty is the only way we make any kind of progress. What if Newton had been afraid to talk about his opinions? What if he kept a journal and said “apple fell out a tree, wonder why?” Seems like the latter makes progress, the former makes drones.

Rather than try to fit into our reputations, let’s build new brands. The social media world is inherently Darwinistic—if you aren’t interesting, you don’t get followers. The narcissistic thing to do is become a naturalistic fallacy and assume that the old way of doing things (not talking about yourself, putting up/shutting up) is the right way to do things.

Challenge your assumptions or STFU.

Mark Zuckerberg didn’t create Facebook. It doesn’t follow.

True or false: Facebook revolutionized the world. True.

True or false: Revolutionaries are passionate people. True.

True or false: Mark Zuckerberg is a passionate person. False.

He is a wet blanket. One of these things is not like the other. The first two statements are obviously true. Revolutions are hard and they are won by revolutionaries who are so passionate about their cause that they work tirelessly to make it happen. Ghandi. Guttenberg. Mandela. It takes a lot of effort to reverse the path of least resistance and change the course of history. Social networking is a legitimate change for those who believe in it’s premise: that information belongs to the world and transparency benefits everyone. It’s not hard to see that this is a cause someone may become passionate enough about to build their life around. But this person is not Zuckerberg. He doesn’t update his Facebook page, he doesn’t want a movie made about him, and he rarely gives interviews. Basically, he shirks the life he claims to passionately believe in. How can Zuckerberg be a revolutionary if he doesn’t even believe in his cause?

The truth is, he can’t. It’s just not logical that he really invented facebook- a product fundamentally different than the values he has demonstrated. He doesn’t believe that information belongs to the world, he believes that money belongs to him. Whoever really invented Facebook, our hearts go out to you, logic is on your side bros. Go to the mattresses.