What Your Favorite Indie Musician is Like in Bed and Which Philosopher they Fuck Like, Also Which Shoes They Were Wearing Before You Fucked Them and Which Type of Feminist This Implies They Are
James Blake. James Blake probably likes it really rough but in a sort of sensuous way. Probably he will toss you around and slap you a little too hard and leave bruises on you and maybe on a special occasion like his birthday when he thinks he can get away with it he will choke you a little bit. This sex is like Nietzsche because everyone knows Nietzsche was a misogynist so he probably wanted to punch women and choke them all the time. This is assuming you are having heterosexual sex with James Blake, though I have an unsubstantiated feeling Nietzsche probably didn’t like gay people either. James Blake wears New Balances in an unexpected color and he is a Feminist Except In Bed feminist.
Bethany Cosentino. Bethany probably just lays there because she is stoned. The sex would be like David Hume because she would be so stoned she would be like, “I have no idea what is going on, in fact I don’t know anything.” Her shoes are irrelevant because she is a girl. Bethany is a Cat Lady which is not a feminist but basically the same thing minus all that sociopolitical stuff.
James Murphy. Was going to suggest that sex with James Murphy is probably like average to above-average, sort of just does like routine, tried-and-true stuff that doesn’t really involve much experimentation but it gets the job done, with longer than average stamina, and then I realized I was basically just describing an LCD Soundsystem song. This sex is like Thomas Aquinas because both of them had a thing with going on and on longer than necessary. He is wearing expensive cross-trainers and he is an Ambiguous Potential Non-Feminist, you know cuz of all that shit he says about drunk girls, it’s like, is this just descriptive or do you kind of hate them?
Panda Bear. Panda Bear would have tender, loving sex where he wouldn’t do anything that could even possibly be conceived of as offensive and would mostly prefer to stroke your hair and whisper compliments in your ear. This sex would be like Aristotle because it would be fair and balanced and loving and virtuous. Panda Bear would be wearing either Toms or Tevas and he is an I Love Women More Than Myself feminist.