"Hi, Pay For My Life Please." A Reimagining of Dating Ads

I operate under the assumption that men get more out of relationships than women do.

There are probably three things you get out of interactions with others that you need in order to be happy: someone to do dumb shit like go to a movie with (i.e., a warm body), someone who will listen to you complain about your life and sex.

For women, their friends provide them with both of the first two things and sex is readily available whenever they want it. For most men, their relationships with other men give them a lot of fun times, but not necessarily an emotional connection. This is seen as something that’s not that important to men, sure, but it doesn’t mean they will be happy if it’s completely non-existent. Also, they have a harder time finding sex whenever they want it.

So, contrary to this is the fact that women generally want to be in relationships more than men, which is a red herring drawing attention away from the reality above. Perhaps there a fourth bullet to the list above that is “people in your life know you are in a relationship/are not a life failure.” That would even the score, but it wouldn’t be the off shot in women’s favor that men seem to currently think it is.

A rule I’ve developed in dating is that I have to always be answering the question “what’s in it for me?” Guys are taught to answer this question with every breath they take, they don’t have to have a conscious reminder like I do. I’ve met too many guys with really shitty dating attitudes about how girls want SO much from them. They want to tie them down and trick them into getting in a relationship and take all their money.

Is that really the worst thing in the world? That a woman asserts herself and doesn’t put herself in a situation where she is having sex with you and getting emotionally attached while you’re only mildly invested? The money thing is also fucked because if you want someone with all the womanly qualities that make her different from your drinking buddies, she probably doesn’t also have the alpha male qualities that make you successful in business. Patriarchy sucks for everyone, right?

You’re a man, society told you you have to provide for your family since you were like, born. I’m a woman and my mom tried really hard to get me to be a youth pastor where you make like 20k a year. Please do not pretend that we have equal footing in this game and that it’s a huge character flaw for this to be one of many things I like about you.

Can you please also know how to do stuff. Truth Time: I don’t know how to do anything. The only time my dad ever made me mow the lawn I cried because I couldn’t figure it out. By now I can only assume your falling out of your chair to ask me on a date, right? My point is that there are things in life I am terrible at: figuring out mechanical things, negotiating with my cable company, driving. But, I have a whole other skill set that you probably lack: using a coaster, cooking meals without using a microwave, being nice to people, making babies. You got boy skills? I got some girl game. Let’s do this.

Those are the things I feel stupid about asking for. These are the things I feel stupid about bragging about:

Every married guy I know has like, zero sex. Some of them cheat. It’s so disgusting. Why didn’t you marry someone you can have a conversation about sex with if you’re unhappy with your sex life? Look at your choices. Anyways, I am someone you can have a conversation about sex with. I might even do you on the reg.

I’ll probably care about you more. It’s society’s fault but pointing the finger isn’t going to make it less true. I’m going to go ahead and say the general effort level of our relationship is going to be something like 65/35 with me in the lead. Enjoy chillin on that throne babe. You can thank commercials and Nicholas Sparks novels for that one.

There’s the David Copperfield shit too, but you’re already allowed to talk about that whenever you want. I like guys with brown eyes. Wow, cool, interesting. 

I wish I didn’t feel like I was setting feminism back 30 years by talking about this stuff. I don’t think all men are one way or all women are another way. I know the way I am and I wish that it had as much currency as the things I’m looking for, but because the things I’m looking for are “masculine” and the things I have to offer are “feminine” it seems like the scales are off. 

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  3. itsabuffnerd reblogged this from tyrannosaurus-lex and added:
    Wait…I missed the third part!
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  9. roglesby said: I can drive a stick shift. I can mow the grass. I can change the oil in my car. I can change a flat tire. I can make a delicious dinner. I can do all these things without help, but my husband will help if I ask. I don’t “need” him, but I want him around.