Anselm: You’re the greatest conceivable being, baby. I’m glad you exist.

Aquinas: Hey remember when I said, “As regards the individual nature, woman is defective and misbegotten, for the active power of the male seed tends to the production of a perfect likeness in the masculine sex; while the production of a woman comes from defect in the active power?” Sorry I was such an asshole. Let me make it up to you with my tongue.

Aristotle: For one night, girl, the things I do to you will not be in moderation.

Jeremy Bentham: Come home with me and I’ll teach you about infinite hedons.

Albert Camus: Here’s my number; don’t be a Stranger.

Rene Descartes: I think therefore I am your valentine.

David Hume: Even I can’t deny how gorgeous you are.

John Stuart Mill: Bring your friend back to my place and we’ll maximize the greatest amount of pleasure for the greatest number of people.

William of Ockham: The simplest explanation is usually the correct one. Therefore, you want to sleep with me.

Immanuel Kant: Two things awe me the most, the starry sky above me and you below me.

Soren Kierkegaard: I’m gonna make you tremble.

John Locke: Imma fill up your blank slate.

Karl Marx: A specter is haunting your ass - a specter of condoms.

Friedrich Nietzsche: Roses are red, violets are blue, God is dead, now let’s screw.

Blaise Pascal: I’d wager my heart for you.

Plato: I’m not good in bed, I’m The Good in bed.

John Rawls: One night with me and I’ll teach you all about the Original Position.

Baruch de Spinoza: Come back to my place and we can use our bodies to act out this thing I call ‘monism.’