Demonstrate feigned hyper-masculinity. During the small period of time when I thought it would be a good idea to meet guys on Match, I went out with what I believed based on chats and talks was a gentlemanly, traditional-but-not-in-the-misogynist-way bro. What I got instead picked me up in a loud red sports car that he drove recklessly. Brunch was filled with equal parts discussion of his motorcycle and needlessly rude comments towards the waitress. He might have just been a nice guy who was trying to come off ‘cool’, but not for me.
Feel Entitled. Oh man, is there anything worse than a guy who feels entitled to your shit? You know like, “I paid for dinner” “you’re wearing a slutty dress” “you got me hard” etc is running through their heads and they think you owe them sex. Get the fuck out. I feel like barfing just talking about this but somehow it happens a lot. If you do this, I will get standoffish and then tell you you have to leave.
Be Insecure. One of the most difficult things about a new relationship is cultivating the perfect blend of confidence. You absolutely cannot be an insecure mess. You cannot text me things like “you probably don’t want to see me again but I’m free all weekend” or “I see you haven’t texted me in the last 30 minutes, have a nice life.” You have to have some sense that you are a decent human being worthy of someone’s time and attention. I mean, if you don’t believe that to be true, you probably shouldn’t be dating. You’ll be nervous and you won’t want to come off like a stuck up douchebag but please draw the line short of making someone convince you they really do want a date number two with you.
Disrespect me. Please don’t show up really late or in sweatpants or on a million drugs. Please take me to any place that I could tell me friends about (hint: it does not have a drive thru). Please don’t continue to date your ex-girlfriend in public even though we share the same pool of friends. This is the beginning, it’s common knowledge that if you aren’t trying now it’s only downhill from here.
Exhibit an inability to meet the bare minimum requirements of adulthood. On a first date a guy told me that until recently he was living in someone else’s car. Does it make me classist that there was no coming back from that? It could I guess. The best part about having divorced parents though is that I grew up being a little bit afraid of men. I wasn’t used to them being providers or emotional supports. This means that it wasn’t ingrained in me that I need a boyfriend or husband, they have to add value to my life in order to be a part of it. When it seems like someone is floundering in these early stages I can only envision a future in which I’m stuck taking care of a man-sized baby.