PhiLOLZophy Reviews ‘The Vow’
Yesterday my mom made me go see The Vow. Stop reading now if you are still planning to see it. LOL.
So basically this is what happens: Rachel McAdams plays a nice lady named Paige and her husband Leo is played by that lil shrimp Channing Tatum that had that super uncomfortable appearance on SNL a couple weeks ago. (Seriously this dude should not stand next to identifiable objects like refrigerators and vending machines because it is abundantly clear that he’s like 5’7” and with all those muscles it just makes him seem like some kind of creepy, hairless G.I. Joe.)
Anyway, like the movie wastes no time getting to the thing you already know, that they get in a car accident and he’s fine but she loses her memory of their entire marriage.
Humorously, she also apparently loses memory of her alternative personality. When she got smashed by the car she was a hipster artist but her memory is erased to a point where she was a J. Crew-wearing, blueberry mojito drinking asshole. Lollll. There is even discussion about how she had stopped straightening her hair, but when she reverted to Old Paige she started straightening it again. And got highlights—can you imagine!
So now her husband is like torn between being totally in love with the wife he had, and having nothing in common with this preppy bitch that came out of the coma. There’s some other storyline about how she also forgot that she hates her rich parents and ex-fiance, who themselves hate the husband, so basically he is totally screwed.
What happens next is kind of hazy both because the plot wasn’t clearly articulated (we never really find out why she hates anybody but her dad and she ends up forgiving him anyway) and because I started refreshing Twitter every 90 seconds, but basically she dumps her husband, goes back to mainstream law school (in a headband oh my god), realizes she wanted to be an artist, drops out of law school to become an artist all over again, stops straightening her hair, finds her old husband and asks him on a date. The end.
Other things that happen in this movie: you get to see Channing Tatum’s ass and Rachel McAdam’s in granny panties twice, Channing Tatum mournfully plays the guitar in his nearly-bankrupt recording studio (LOL), Jessica Lange as Paige’s mom acts like the rigid, icy bitch she acts like in every other role she’s played
Things that don’t happen: evidence that she ever liked him in the first place, the return of her memory, sex scenes :(
Theme: Apparently the hipster lifestyle is inherent, not a choice.
Conclusion: Go see this movie if you like… okay I can’t think of anything, don’t see it.
