March 2012
45 posts
Words and Phrases You Don't Understand, Sorry
Literally. This word means exactly what it looks like. The literal definition of something. As if I were to say, “This original text of the Bible literally instructs you to kill ladies who wear their hair uncovered!” Not, like, “It is literally freezing out tonight!” or, “You literally pissed me off.”
In lieu of. This means “instead of” not...
On Pegging
Follower requests that we write about pegging.
Oh real.
Here’s what I can come up with (but first, for the innocent/unexperienced “pegging” means “doing a dude with a strap on”).
Random, unordered thoughts:
Feel like I probably lack the physical strength
No but for real I have a hard enough time (no pun intended) maintaining the physical stamina to do much more...
February 2012
43 posts
6 tags
The Summer We Were Invincible
When I was 19 I didn’t think it was possible to die. I wouldn’t have sass-talked god by actually saying this out loud but it was something I subconsciously accepted wholeheartedly. I hitchhiked, I smoked, I accepted random drinks from strangers. I used to party so hard I once woke up with a couch in my living room that had mysteriously appeared overnight. By the end of the summer it...
Other Laws Virginia Might Want to Pass Now That...
Before putting on a condom you must apologize out loud to your sperm.
After making a haircut appointment you must wait a mandatory minimum ten day period during which you are required to ask at least a half dozen judgmental older females how you would look with your new haircut.
Before eating a cheeseburger you must view a picture of the cow the meat came from and give it a name. An amendment...
4 tags
The Different Ways to Never Make Me Want to See...
Demonstrate feigned hyper-masculinity. During the small period of time when I thought it would be a good idea to meet guys on Match, I went out with what I believed based on chats and talks was a gentlemanly, traditional-but-not-in-the-misogynist-way bro. What I got instead picked me up in a loud red sports car that he drove recklessly. Brunch was filled with equal parts discussion of his...
8 tags
Best Guesses as to What Happens at AWP
I hope there’s a drive-by shooting at AWP.
— GARBAGE (@PierreMenard) February 25, 2012
PhiLOLZophy is going to AWP in Chicago this weekend. Actually, we aren’t going to AWP, we are going to a party at Stephen Tully Dierk’s house and some other drunk stuff in the city. I know next to nothing about what the actual conference about, including what AWP stands for. It’s a lit...
The Various Degrees of Being "Over It"
When you still sleep with them. This is the phase at which nothing has really changed except you both finally came to the conscious realization that it’s dead in the water, and because of this development you think you’re ‘totally fine’ still hooking up with the person. Another way to say that is you’ve lost the title, commitment, and/or stability of a relationship...
11 tags
Frequently Asked Questions
Is there a god?
How does the answer to this question directly impact your life? Foucault talks about being imprisoned in a jail where the guards can watch your every move, but they are hidden so you are never sure if you are being watched or not. The prisoners here may follow the rules because of the Panopticon, because they are trapped by the inability to do bad things in private. On the other...
13 tags
Tumblr is Wrong for Censoring Eating Disorder...
Tumblr is shutting down blogs that promote self-harm. This means pro-anorexia, pro-bulimia, and pro-self harm blogs are dunzo.
I have to believe this is because of the misconception that these communities are about encouraging people to have eating disorders and causing existing eating disorders to worsen. They are primarily a community of mentally ill people talking about eating disorders with...
5 tags
Pinterest Vs. Actually Doing Something
Once I got this John Piper book for free and I read it even though I’m pretty sure John Piper is like, Vice Satan. He talked about this old couple that was in retirement in Florida and they go on a walk every night and collect shells. Way cute right? Except Old Man Piper points out that at some point they are going to die and then what do they have to say their life was about? “Look...
3 tags
PhiLOLZophy Reviews 'The Vow'
Yesterday my mom made me go see The Vow. Stop reading now if you are still planning to see it. LOL.
So basically this is what happens: Rachel McAdams plays a nice lady named Paige and her husband Leo is played by that lil shrimp Channing Tatum that had that super uncomfortable appearance on SNL a couple weeks ago. (Seriously this dude should not stand next to identifiable objects like...
5 tags
Things to Have an Opinion About
Coffee. You can remain neutral on the subject of heaven and hell but to abstain from java-related preference is anathema. On the first day of your new job youll be asked if you are a coffee drinker, consider carefully how your response will inform your new brand. Beyond mere imbibers and tee-totaling is the nuance of preparation. Hot or cold? Sugar? Cream? Do you prefer tea instead? Soda? Do you...
Why Irony Is So Freaking Annoying
Irony used to not be a thing, or at least not the sort of thing that it is these days. People liked what they liked and even though this sometimes resulted in people sort of blindly liking whatever was popular in the mainstream, everyone was a lot more sincere.
It’s masturbatory. A lot of times when people say or do things ironically it’s really just a thinly-veiled excuse to talk...
Overheard as my friend signed up for Tumblr....
“Sign in? What? Sign up? How do I do this? Where do I click?”
“What should my user name be? No…. something edgier. Something about sex. But like still edgy. And impressive. What about ‘dickbook’? Or should I have a pen name?”
“How do I make a title? Is it ‘Create Post’? Is it ‘Create Post’? Help me!”
“Yours is...
“The question of love is one that cannot be evaded. Whether or not you claim to...”
– Thomas Merton (via fuckyeahexistentialism)
1 tag
Are We Post-Jersey Shore?
Jersey Shore is on tonight. Did you know that? Did you know it’s still on, I mean? Both this season and the show in general? I did not.
This is coming from someone who spent hours nursing her Valentine’s Day-related hangover watching episodes of MTV’s FriendZone. Aka I will pretty much watch anything.
I used to watch Jersey Shore religiously. Like I would have parties so my...
6 tags
RARE SELF-AGGRANDIZING POST
Did you know we have a Facebook?
You should like us and ask us really inappropriate questions 247. K?
7 tags
Can You Be Nice And Pretty and Feminist?
When I was in college I had a professor confront me about a problem she thought I had. She observed me: smart, confident and straightforward in our one on one meetings and in my schoolwork but silly and acqueiscing in class. And I wore makeup. This is typical of smart women. Feminism has given us the opportunity to showcase our strengths and be successful but we still feel like in order to be...
Anonymous asked: f a c e b o o k . c o m / c h r i s s y s t o c k t o n
8 tags
PhiLOLZophy Reviews Breaking Dawn Part 1
I know this movie came out like three months ago but duh I waited until it was at the redbox accross the street and I could watch it sometime really tragic like alone on Valentines day. Full disclosure: I have read all four Twilight books and the unpublished, partially finished manuscript for another one. I enjoyed them, but its like fast food for your brain, you know. They aren’t...
5 tags
I Never Want to Have Sex Again
Hi Buddies.
Just got done reading a really bumwave blog post some bro wrote about how he likes small boobs. I guess small boobs are better because they look better aesthetically and because girls who have small boobs are more carefree because they aren’t tied down by having to manage their huge rack all day.
Wait, let me get the wording right:
Big boobs are sorta laborious. They’re...
5 tags
The Only Thing I Really Hate About Valentine's Day
I think it is really annoying when people complain about how much they hate Valentine’s Day or hate people who love it. I think the cynicism and snark simply betray how badly most of those people just wish they were having a traditional Valentine’s Day. It’s transparent.
But let me provide one caveat, something I hate the most in the world: grocery store flowers. Flowers are...
1 tag
Love in the Time of Jeffrey Eugenides
I’m an idealist but I’m not an idiot. I understand the gravity of the world’s state of affairs. This is the Holden Caulfield effect. Reality doesn’t do away with optimism, it just makes you have to work harder at it. People don’t think Holden Caulfield was an optimist because they don’t understand how it works. Optimism is not naivete. It’s a resolution...
My Dumbest Valentine's Day
When I was like twenty-two I was long distance dating this guy I really liked (here’s how it turned out, if you’re curious). By the time Valentine’s Day rolled around we’d been dating about six months, but we’d been dating on and off with varying degrees of seriousness for about five years. Somehow we’d never managed to have an ‘on’ phase that fell...
1 tag
How to Tweet About the Grammys
Make a comment about sexism with regard to red carpet coverage of plus-sized stars’ wardrobe choices.
Make a comment about gender politics because Chris Brown was invited to perform. Make a comment about privilege because Chris Brown performed before Rihanna.
When Taylor Swift turns to the side, express concern about society’s expectations of women when you realize she has the...
WatchA typical night with the Lolz Dolls.
Times You Should Probably Not Comment on a Blog
1. When you haven’t read the post. This should seem obvious but really isn’t in practice. If you leave a fired up, hyper-critical comment on a post you clearly haven’t read, it’s embarrassing for everyone. This typically occurs when the commenter reads the title of the article, has an immediate emotional reaction, and then comments based on that reaction and not the body...
HI BUDDIES !!!!
We are both in exceptionally good moods tonight so we’re willing to do another questions blitz like we did a couple months ago. Unfortunately that time we lost like nearly 500 followers (turns out people get pissed when you plug up their dash) so instead we’ll be doing it via Formspring.
You don’t need an account to ask a question, just click over and hit submit. Ask literally...
4 Reasons to Hate Valentine's Day
1. It’s expensive. I’m not cheap, I’m just anti-spending money on unnecessary things. Like grocery store flowers (so tragic), cover charges, and inflated holiday menu prices. Tres gross. It’s great to stop and smell the roses and you should absolutely celebrate the human emotion of love, but doing it on February 14 is kind of trite and always feels forced. And, is it...
How to Determine if You are Crazy
Get a piece of paper and mark down your answers. We will help you determine if you are crazy in just a few short minutes!
Question 1: Within your local community (could be a “scene” or your professional setting), you are: a) relatively unknown and insignificant b) appreciated for what you offer and liked by your peers c) totally fucking famous, right?
Question 2: How much do the...
Anonymous asked: I'd love to hear your thoughts on Ron Paul/Libertariansim/America's obsession with freedom. While I believe in the merits of capitalism, and the individual's right to govern their own morality, and I support uncensored internet, pulling US troops from the middle east and other things ron paul supports I feel strongly creeped out by his ideology of returning to the constitution and...
thewolfandthekodo asked: I have a question I've been 'pondering' for some time, but have not found anyone that i feel would take it seriously. ANYWAY, my question involves religion: Do you believe it is right (Or morally correct) for a religious person (Any religion) to speak aloud about their given religion whilst knowing that it may/will offend others of another belief? This mainly concerns public...
Anonymous asked: Can I write for this blog? Would you accept a submission?
10 tags
Possible Meanings of Life
When I was in high school I was taught French by a husband and wife who taught together at my school. I remember thinking that you probably only have time to make your life about one big thing. Their lives were dedicated to French. They were both fluent and spent most of their time teaching, running various language-related after school activities, and leading the bi-annual trips abroad. Whether...
Pros and Cons of Watching the Super Bowl
Pros:
Booze
Cons:
Shut up
6 tags
6 Things You Should Do on a Friday Night
1. Skip Happy Hour. Happy hour on Friday’s is way lame. You know you are itchy to get home and change out of your work clothes. Once at Friday happy hour it’s inevitable that someone in the groups suggests that you “just stay out.” This means that before you know it, you’re out on a Friday night sans the cute going out outfit you planned. And you won’t make it...
2 tags
How to Succeed at Being in Your Twenties Without...
Have kick ass friends. This is definitely the cornerstone of success in your twenties. You need to be surrounded by awesome people who tell you, in detail, how awesome you are. You need people to take you to awesome parties and introduce you to potential love interests. Kick ass friends bring you the joy that is laying on your couch and rehashing the night before, holding your hair when you puke...
2 tags
5 Things You Might Regret
1. You Might Regret Falling In Love. You’ll remember what it was, what caused that moment where you placed one foot firmly in front of the other rather than what your brain was telling you to do: run. It was a precarious choice you made. You bet the farm and won, or lost. You’re in a dive bar now, miles from home. You’re telling people what it felt like to move that kind of...
1 tag
I Kinda Like Drag Queens
So as you may know two of us write this blog. We almost always agree—in fact we often collaborate—but sometimes we don’t agree and one of us wants to counter what the other has said.
Here’s the deal. I like drag queens. Like a lot. If I ever get married I want my bachelorette party to feature drag queens and a psychic. That is the only dream I have ever articulated...
1 tag
Cartesian Dualism
Cartesian Dualism is both wholly responsible for the worldview you probably hold now and probably the most disappointing thing to have happened to anybody ever in the last couple of hundred of years.
Here’s the deal. Dualism as defined by Descartes (hence Cartesian, our “C” this week) has two components:
1. The world is divided into two separate, distinct, dual realities (in...
Other Things Susan G. Komen Should Stop Being...
Buckets for the Cure. Hey guess what… let’s end cancer and kill ourselves in the process! A bucket of KFC has like a day’s worth of calories and probably enough cholesterol to solidify the teenie tiniest of veins (I majored in the humanities not science ok gimme a break). If you love life, Susan G. Komen, probably stop branding yourself along side the nutritional equivalent of...