February 2012
40 posts
Other Laws Virginia Might Want to Pass Now That...
Before putting on a condom you must apologize out loud to your sperm.
After making a haircut appointment you must wait a mandatory minimum ten day period during which you are required to ask at least a half dozen judgmental older females how you would look with your new haircut.
Before eating a cheeseburger you must view a picture of the cow the meat came from and give it a name. An amendment...
4 tags
The Different Ways to Never Make Me Want to See...
Demonstrate feigned hyper-masculinity. During the small period of time when I thought it would be a good idea to meet guys on Match, I went out with what I believed based on chats and talks was a gentlemanly, traditional-but-not-in-the-misogynist-way bro. What I got instead picked me up in a loud red sports car that he drove recklessly. Brunch was filled with equal parts discussion of his...
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Best Guesses as to What Happens at AWP
I hope there’s a drive-by shooting at AWP.
— GARBAGE (@PierreMenard) February 25, 2012
PhiLOLZophy is going to AWP in Chicago this weekend. Actually, we aren’t going to AWP, we are going to a party at Stephen Tully Dierk’s house and some other drunk stuff in the city. I know next to nothing about what the actual conference about, including what AWP stands for. It’s a lit...
The Various Degrees of Being "Over It"
When you still sleep with them. This is the phase at which nothing has really changed except you both finally came to the conscious realization that it’s dead in the water, and because of this development you think you’re ‘totally fine’ still hooking up with the person. Another way to say that is you’ve lost the title, commitment, and/or stability of a relationship...
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Frequently Asked Questions
Is there a god?
How does the answer to this question directly impact your life? Foucault talks about being imprisoned in a jail where the guards can watch your every move, but they are hidden so you are never sure if you are being watched or not. The prisoners here may follow the rules because of the Panopticon, because they are trapped by the inability to do bad things in private. On the other...
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Tumblr is Wrong for Censoring Eating Disorder...
Tumblr is shutting down blogs that promote self-harm. This means pro-anorexia, pro-bulimia, and pro-self harm blogs are dunzo.
I have to believe this is because of the misconception that these communities are about encouraging people to have eating disorders and causing existing eating disorders to worsen. They are primarily a community of mentally ill people talking about eating disorders with...
5 tags
Pinterest Vs. Actually Doing Something
Once I got this John Piper book for free and I read it even though I’m pretty sure John Piper is like, Vice Satan. He talked about this old couple that was in retirement in Florida and they go on a walk every night and collect shells. Way cute right? Except Old Man Piper points out that at some point they are going to die and then what do they have to say their life was about? “Look...
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PhiLOLZophy Reviews 'The Vow'
Yesterday my mom made me go see The Vow. Stop reading now if you are still planning to see it. LOL.
So basically this is what happens: Rachel McAdams plays a nice lady named Paige and her husband Leo is played by that lil shrimp Channing Tatum that had that super uncomfortable appearance on SNL a couple weeks ago. (Seriously this dude should not stand next to identifiable objects like...
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Things to Have an Opinion About
Coffee. You can remain neutral on the subject of heaven and hell but to abstain from java-related preference is anathema. On the first day of your new job youll be asked if you are a coffee drinker, consider carefully how your response will inform your new brand. Beyond mere imbibers and tee-totaling is the nuance of preparation. Hot or cold? Sugar? Cream? Do you prefer tea instead? Soda? Do you...
Why Irony Is So Freaking Annoying
Irony used to not be a thing, or at least not the sort of thing that it is these days. People liked what they liked and even though this sometimes resulted in people sort of blindly liking whatever was popular in the mainstream, everyone was a lot more sincere.
It’s masturbatory. A lot of times when people say or do things ironically it’s really just a thinly-veiled excuse to talk...
Overheard as my friend signed up for Tumblr....
“Sign in? What? Sign up? How do I do this? Where do I click?”
“What should my user name be? No…. something edgier. Something about sex. But like still edgy. And impressive. What about ‘dickbook’? Or should I have a pen name?”
“How do I make a title? Is it ‘Create Post’? Is it ‘Create Post’? Help me!”
“Yours is...
“The question of love is one that cannot be evaded. Whether or not you claim to...”
– Thomas Merton (via fuckyeahexistentialism)
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Are We Post-Jersey Shore?
Jersey Shore is on tonight. Did you know that? Did you know it’s still on, I mean? Both this season and the show in general? I did not.
This is coming from someone who spent hours nursing her Valentine’s Day-related hangover watching episodes of MTV’s FriendZone. Aka I will pretty much watch anything.
I used to watch Jersey Shore religiously. Like I would have parties so my...
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RARE SELF-AGGRANDIZING POST
Did you know we have a Facebook?
You should like us and ask us really inappropriate questions 247. K?
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Can You Be Nice And Pretty and Feminist?
When I was in college I had a professor confront me about a problem she thought I had. She observed me: smart, confident and straightforward in our one on one meetings and in my schoolwork but silly and acqueiscing in class. And I wore makeup. This is typical of smart women. Feminism has given us the opportunity to showcase our strengths and be successful but we still feel like in order to be...
Anonymous asked: f a c e b o o k . c o m / c h r i s s y s t o c k t o n
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PhiLOLZophy Reviews Breaking Dawn Part 1
I know this movie came out like three months ago but duh I waited until it was at the redbox accross the street and I could watch it sometime really tragic like alone on Valentines day. Full disclosure: I have read all four Twilight books and the unpublished, partially finished manuscript for another one. I enjoyed them, but its like fast food for your brain, you know. They aren’t...
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I Never Want to Have Sex Again
Hi Buddies.
Just got done reading a really bumwave blog post some bro wrote about how he likes small boobs. I guess small boobs are better because they look better aesthetically and because girls who have small boobs are more carefree because they aren’t tied down by having to manage their huge rack all day.
Wait, let me get the wording right:
Big boobs are sorta laborious. They’re...
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The Only Thing I Really Hate About Valentine's Day
I think it is really annoying when people complain about how much they hate Valentine’s Day or hate people who love it. I think the cynicism and snark simply betray how badly most of those people just wish they were having a traditional Valentine’s Day. It’s transparent.
But let me provide one caveat, something I hate the most in the world: grocery store flowers. Flowers are...
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Love in the Time of Jeffrey Eugenides
I’m an idealist but I’m not an idiot. I understand the gravity of the world’s state of affairs. This is the Holden Caulfield effect. Reality doesn’t do away with optimism, it just makes you have to work harder at it. People don’t think Holden Caulfield was an optimist because they don’t understand how it works. Optimism is not naivete. It’s a resolution...
My Dumbest Valentine's Day
When I was like twenty-two I was long distance dating this guy I really liked (here’s how it turned out, if you’re curious). By the time Valentine’s Day rolled around we’d been dating about six months, but we’d been dating on and off with varying degrees of seriousness for about five years. Somehow we’d never managed to have an ‘on’ phase that fell...
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How to Tweet About the Grammys
Make a comment about sexism with regard to red carpet coverage of plus-sized stars’ wardrobe choices.
Make a comment about gender politics because Chris Brown was invited to perform. Make a comment about privilege because Chris Brown performed before Rihanna.
When Taylor Swift turns to the side, express concern about society’s expectations of women when you realize she has the...
WatchA typical night with the Lolz Dolls.
Times You Should Probably Not Comment on a Blog
1. When you haven’t read the post. This should seem obvious but really isn’t in practice. If you leave a fired up, hyper-critical comment on a post you clearly haven’t read, it’s embarrassing for everyone. This typically occurs when the commenter reads the title of the article, has an immediate emotional reaction, and then comments based on that reaction and not the body...
HI BUDDIES !!!!
We are both in exceptionally good moods tonight so we’re willing to do another questions blitz like we did a couple months ago. Unfortunately that time we lost like nearly 500 followers (turns out people get pissed when you plug up their dash) so instead we’ll be doing it via Formspring.
You don’t need an account to ask a question, just click over and hit submit. Ask literally...
4 Reasons to Hate Valentine's Day
1. It’s expensive. I’m not cheap, I’m just anti-spending money on unnecessary things. Like grocery store flowers (so tragic), cover charges, and inflated holiday menu prices. Tres gross. It’s great to stop and smell the roses and you should absolutely celebrate the human emotion of love, but doing it on February 14 is kind of trite and always feels forced. And, is it...
How to Determine if You are Crazy
Get a piece of paper and mark down your answers. We will help you determine if you are crazy in just a few short minutes!
Question 1: Within your local community (could be a “scene” or your professional setting), you are: a) relatively unknown and insignificant b) appreciated for what you offer and liked by your peers c) totally fucking famous, right?
Question 2: How much do the...
Anonymous asked: I'd love to hear your thoughts on Ron Paul/Libertariansim/America's obsession with freedom. While I believe in the merits of capitalism, and the individual's right to govern their own morality, and I support uncensored internet, pulling US troops from the middle east and other things ron paul supports I feel strongly creeped out by his ideology of returning to the constitution and...
thewolfandthekodo asked: I have a question I've been 'pondering' for some time, but have not found anyone that i feel would take it seriously. ANYWAY, my question involves religion: Do you believe it is right (Or morally correct) for a religious person (Any religion) to speak aloud about their given religion whilst knowing that it may/will offend others of another belief? This mainly concerns public...
Anonymous asked: Can I write for this blog? Would you accept a submission?
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Possible Meanings of Life
When I was in high school I was taught French by a husband and wife who taught together at my school. I remember thinking that you probably only have time to make your life about one big thing. Their lives were dedicated to French. They were both fluent and spent most of their time teaching, running various language-related after school activities, and leading the bi-annual trips abroad. Whether...
Pros and Cons of Watching the Super Bowl
Pros:
Booze
Cons:
Shut up
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6 Things You Should Do on a Friday Night
1. Skip Happy Hour. Happy hour on Friday’s is way lame. You know you are itchy to get home and change out of your work clothes. Once at Friday happy hour it’s inevitable that someone in the groups suggests that you “just stay out.” This means that before you know it, you’re out on a Friday night sans the cute going out outfit you planned. And you won’t make it...
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How to Succeed at Being in Your Twenties Without...
Have kick ass friends. This is definitely the cornerstone of success in your twenties. You need to be surrounded by awesome people who tell you, in detail, how awesome you are. You need people to take you to awesome parties and introduce you to potential love interests. Kick ass friends bring you the joy that is laying on your couch and rehashing the night before, holding your hair when you puke...
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5 Things You Might Regret
1. You Might Regret Falling In Love. You’ll remember what it was, what caused that moment where you placed one foot firmly in front of the other rather than what your brain was telling you to do: run. It was a precarious choice you made. You bet the farm and won, or lost. You’re in a dive bar now, miles from home. You’re telling people what it felt like to move that kind of...
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I Kinda Like Drag Queens
So as you may know two of us write this blog. We almost always agree—in fact we often collaborate—but sometimes we don’t agree and one of us wants to counter what the other has said.
Here’s the deal. I like drag queens. Like a lot. If I ever get married I want my bachelorette party to feature drag queens and a psychic. That is the only dream I have ever articulated...
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Cartesian Dualism
Cartesian Dualism is both wholly responsible for the worldview you probably hold now and probably the most disappointing thing to have happened to anybody ever in the last couple of hundred of years.
Here’s the deal. Dualism as defined by Descartes (hence Cartesian, our “C” this week) has two components:
1. The world is divided into two separate, distinct, dual realities (in...
Other Things Susan G. Komen Should Stop Being...
Buckets for the Cure. Hey guess what… let’s end cancer and kill ourselves in the process! A bucket of KFC has like a day’s worth of calories and probably enough cholesterol to solidify the teenie tiniest of veins (I majored in the humanities not science ok gimme a break). If you love life, Susan G. Komen, probably stop branding yourself along side the nutritional equivalent of...
7 tags
I Don't Like Drag Queens
I live in the gayest city in the country and I don’t like drag shows. I feel like watching a drag show is like having someone quote Napoleon Dynamite to you. It’s so far from funny you don’t even bother to respond. Like, I get it, you’re a man dressed up like a woman. That’s cool if that’s what you’re into but its not entertainment.
The thing is, drag queens are making fun of women. How else...
January 2012
78 posts
2 tags
Are Introverts Oppressed?
So today I read this which is basically a recap of a debate that has apparently been going on for some time.
The contention essentially surrounds the assertion that introverts are an oppressed people group, similarly to how women were oppressed in the 1950s.
As someone who is both obsessed with studying personality and with exclusively dating introverts, I found this interesting. I’m...
The Pros and Cons of Sexting
Pros:
It’s super fun.
You can do it anywhere, anytime.
It’s a secret, and secrets are fun.
It doesn’t cost any money.
You don’t have to shave, actually be wearing sexy lingerie, or even be clean in any capacity. You can say “I’m naked and touching myself” when in reality you’re in sweats and watching MTV.
Attention/compliments.
Can...
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Pros and Cons of Getting Ready in a Group
Pros:
Don’t feel as guilty beginning the shot-taking at 8 p.m.
Can loudly bitch about crazy ex rather than secretly text him back.
Feel less guilty about blasting Britney Spears club remixes.
Abundance of compliments even if you look terrible.
SHOTS, did I already say that?
You get to feel like you’re college again.
Forced to get on your two feet rather than masturbating and...
The Shortest First Date in the History of the...
I met a cute boy in a bar. He wore an American Apparel hoodie which I really liked because I like to play with zippers when I’m drunk. I kept trying to zip it up over his face which made him laugh really hard. He asked for my number and he was hot and really sweet/dopey so I gave it to him.
After a few days of texting we decided that we would go to a bar in my neighborhood and hang out. The big...
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"Boat" Ethics
Okay this one is a reach but all the other “B”-related stuff is better utilized in other parts of the alphabet (yes I have it all planned) so today we are going to talk about what is technically called Lifeboat Ethics, appropriately abbreviated for the sake of consistency.
I like to think of lifeboat ethics as a way to conceptualize ethical dilemmas in general. Why think about...
How to Diagnose Emotional Stockholm Syndrome
Stockholm Syndrome has been described as “a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and have positive feelings towards their captors, sometimes to the point of defending them. These feelings are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, who essentially mistake a lack of abuse from their captors for an act of kindness.”...
Anonymous asked: Philosophy is either completely trite or a complete waste of time. Argument: Either philosophy consists of the engaged analysis of one's day to day activities, which is trite because the consistent analysis of temporary events is the definition of triteness and banality, or philosophy consists of the meta-ization of every argument from X to "what is the justifcation for X" which of...
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When You're Bad at Your Job
When you are bad at your job you might feel like you are bad at being a person or bad at being an adult. You will feel like you are stupid. You probably will dislike the majority of your life because 40 is a lot of waking hours per week to feel stressed out and unhappy and like a failure.
Only, you won’t realize it at the time. Like driving in slushy weather your world will grow dim by...
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The Adversarial Method
Listen up cuz this is probably the most important thing I will ever teach you if you typically find yourself on the powerless end of the relationship spectrum (and let’s be honest, you do, given the apparent positive correlation between # of notes our posts get as compared to general poutiness of said post).
Back when I was in grad school I invited the other lolz doll to come and visit me...