Earlier this year I was having a rough time so I emailed one of my friends about it. His response was one of those times I think the universe reaches out and slaps you through another person. I was dealing with my eating issues, feeling frustrated with my career and just like, finding it impossible to clear my head.

Telling people to deny passion for profit is FEAR. Walk away from it.

I am developing all new skills, mostly being able to love and forgive in the moment and not need years to process emotions like i used to. That’s the gift. I am examining what I eat more and more everyday because I was incapable of looking at it for real before. When you take the power away from food it goes somewhere… where does it go? I don’t know, just don’t be afraid and it will do what it’s supposed to.

I got fired from my job, my career lost, my money flushed, my band ruined… and I am happier than I’ve ever been. My new job is this, it’s just being an awesome fearless person, and when you do that people will fall over themselves to work with you.

Work at being you, the ‘jobs’ and ‘money’ will find there way to you.

much love

This was a beautiful email and I wanted to share it because it was super encouraging to me. You don’t really need anything to be happy. A lady I know told me the happiest time in her life is when she was on welfare because she knew she couldn’t lose anything else. It was already gone, and with it her anxiety about losing it. It’s so crazy how much fear I have about losing my security. Instead of making me happier, it’s a block to my happiness because I worry about it going away.

When I was an evangelical Christian I had guilt about having anxiety because in the Bible it says that you are supposed to trust god to provide and worry is like, insulting him or proof that you aren’t trusting enough. Listen, I would love to not worry about shit. I am mad jealous of those free spirit people who seem to just do things without a narrative. That’s not who I am, though.

Being fearless isn’t realistic and that’s okay. But it is refreshing to think about the things you are afraid of and try to make sure they aren’t standing in your way of being happy.

Expectation: Get to be happy because you don’t realize you are crazy.

Reality: Have to deal with knowing you are crazy and be forever unsure if the information your brain is giving you is sound.

Expectation: Get to live in a mental ward and be coddled forever, don’t have to have responsibilities, get to hook up with cute orderlies [re: Girl Interupted], generally live a sheltered and carefree existence.

Reality: Can’t afford therapy/much less living somewhere coddled full time. Have to deal with having a mental illness on top of all the other responsibilities you have in your life.

Expectation: Get lots of cool pills.

Reality: Feel stupid about having to take a pill everyday for the rest of your life. Have people tell you you are addicted to sedatives because you pop an Ativan when you’re supposed to. 

Expectation: Become a cool artist like Anne Sexton or Sylvia Plath.

Reality: Feel unable to concentrate on your art or too insecure to show it to anyone.

Expectation: End mental illness after a movie montage of therapy, a makeover and deep realizations.

Reality: Mental illness isn’t in your life to serve a story arc any more than getting the flu.

the person who coined the phrase “secrets don’t make friends” failed to acknowledge the secrets that would conceivably make all of your friends hate you

Because I am the victim. I have all these gross experiences that have happened to me and will probably happen again and it’s something that is a part of my everyday life.

Because I want to view men as an enemy. If men are victim’s too, then who can I point my finger at. If we’re both victims of patriarchy, who can we blame?

Think about prison rape. This is something zero people care about. It’s a joke. But it’s still rape. It’s still awful. And its ubiquitous. Even when I read a book that told me these stats it was really hard to make myself care. “It’s their fault… they’re in prison.” Which is bullshit.

Chris Brown says he was a victim of violence when he was a kid. I had bad things happen to me when I was a kid and it turned into self-harm re: my eating disorder. It took me a long time to figure that out. I think Chris Brown tries less hard than me to figure it out, but still, it seems a little bit like a lottery that he turns his issues outward and I turned mine inward.

If women are victims of patriarchy, men are too.

Why does it feel so annoying to acknowledge that?

thetangential:

-Your hot graphic designer friend who sometimes misappropriates Native American headdresses for fashion reasons saying she’s getting married to a 60-year-old intellectual property lawyer who still uses Proactiv. 

          or

          -Liz Lemon marrying the beeper king

          -Avril Lavigne marrying the dude from Nickelback

-Your mom suddenly deciding to become a Zumba instructor and somehow in the process ruining Zumba for everyone

-Comcast buying Apple 10 years after Netflix has marginalized Comcast

-Your most inspiring high school English teacher who smoked pot with you once in college going back to school to study SEO

-The bar where you planned your going away party featuring Simpsons-themed shots becoming a Seattle’s Best

-Dr. Evil saying “1 Billion Dollars!” on an infinite loop that somehow destroys every startup 

-An odd couple comedy about an adopted iPad DJ teaching his lonely new father about graphic design

-An odd couple comedy about someone who looks like Kristen Bell very sassily teaching someone who looks like Andrew Garfield’s nerdy brother how to balance a checkbook

-A weird dream that you talk about in a marketing meeting about how to get more dogs to wear shoes

-Becky Lang really likes Tumblr and feels weird

dump him. that’s extremely rude? I would love a guy with a huge penis but I wouldn’t say that to an average sized boyfriend? That’s actually very little of what I would even care about in a boyfriend whereas “someone who makes me feel good about myself” is much higher up. Girl, I am sure you are working what the universe gave you, don’t let this guy put shame in your game.

You probably didn’t become overweight for fun, so it’s more than a physical thing. Losing weight addresses that aspect but you probably need to put some focus on your emotional and spiritual health, in whatever form that means for you.

Pros:

• People who love each other can get married!
• Won’t be embarrassed to tell your grand kids which side of the issue you were on
• Probably good for the economy
• Gay people get the same rights I have!
• Might make your gay spin instructor cry from happiness
• When this issue is settled the government can probably spend their time on like, fixing the economy

Cons:

• Gays might get gay divorces and our legislators might have to earn their paychecks by making new laws to account for them
• You might have to hear about lifestyles that are different than your own
• You might have to show people your traditional christian marriage is cool by actually being happy and loving rather than just having a title
• Have to buy more wedding presents